Two Years
My Love,
I can hardly believe it's been two years....
There are times when it seems like only a breath has passed. Most days though, it seems like you've been gone for so much longer.
I've been thinking for the past month about this day. What would it feel like? How would we handle it? What would we do? Would it be like last year? Would it be better? Would the gaping hole left in my chest subside?
And here the day is and I have no answers. It's the wee hours of the day but it's still here. And I see no crystal ball.
I'm sitting in the office. This used to be your room. This was the room where you took your last breath. The room where I last heard that soft whisper "I love my girls". The room where the course of my life was forever altered.
I try not to think about those things when I'm in here. I try to remember all the movies, Play-doh, and all the laughs...
Just this week I stood in the kitchen holding Kate's report card. I thought how proud you would be of her. She's absolutely excelling in school. I thought I should share the report card with you. I carried it into the office. Half thinking I would find you sitting in bed and half knowing, I would just file it in the cabinet with all of her other achievements. I reached the cabinet and my knees buckled. The weight of losing you once again being more than I could carry. It's just not fair that you're not here to see this. That Kate doesn't have you to run to, to share these moments. It's just not fair. But, so little in life is. You showed me how to carry on past the not fair.
I know you're with us. We feel you around us every day. It's the calm that keeps us together. You've always been that calm. That absolute constant. Everyone misses it. All your 'brothers', my family, Kate, me... everyone that ever knew you, misses that constant calm. The way you reached inside everyone you encountered and told them they were important and that you cared. The world is seriously lacking that right now.
Our girl...my God, I can't believe how incredibly wonderful she is. Her little heart holds so much of you. Those eyes and that smile... Pure joy. The truest love that has ever existed.
She misses you. It astounds me what she remembers of you. I guess she has your memory and not mine. Thank goodness for that. I'm doing my best with her and for her. I think I'm doing ok. And I know you would tell me that I was/am the best mother there ever could be for our girl. I hear your voice every time I feel that sting of mommy guilt for having been a little quick, or a little too harsh, or a little too loud. I hear you tell me, it's ok. I hear you forgive me when I do not want to forgive myself.
I got an idea yesterday (feels like today because I haven't yet gone to bed) that I needed to see what the last two years have been like. I needed to see what separates the "before" and "after". Maybe then I could wrap my brain around the length of time we've been without you in our physical space.
So, I hastily threw together a video. A photo montage of what we've been doing. It's not as perfect and polished as I would like. And we both know I could spend about 50 more hours on it. Tweaking, primping, designing, making it perfect. But I've been learning that it's ok for me to not do everything perfectly. I am so very, very flawed and yet, I had the love of the most amazing man. So I'm cutting myself some slack for a change.
The movie hits most of the highlights. All of the family toasting you. Holidays. Birthdays. First day of school. New York City. California. Walt Disney World. And a bunch of the random moments in between. Strangely, I'm most drawn to those random moments in between. Those are the ones where I take the deepest breaths.
We love you so much Baby. We miss you every day. I hope you're proud of us. I'm pretty proud of us.
Today, I will take our girl to Daddy Lake. We'll send balloons to you in heaven. I'll tell her the hot dog story, again. She'll show me again and again how she used to say "Da-da" and "Mommmmm, mommmmm, mommmm". We'll just be quiet in our Daddy space. While our girl goes off to slumber with Grammy and Papa, I'll join your brothers and we'll toast to you. We'll tell all our favorite stories and laugh and laugh. We'll try to carry on the way you would want us to. Chins high. Hearts full of love. Lungs filled with laughter...
We love you. So very, very much.
Always,
B and K
