Princess Butterfly says...

Happy Halloween!!


Hiatus Update 2.0

I've been working hard. Working hard to come back here to this little space on the internet that I call home. I'm not working hard for anyone other than myself. I miss writing. I miss the calm I feel after putting my thoughts to "paper". It clears my head and offers perspective. It gives me a chance to mark this time in history for Kate.
I started feeling like my writing was taking on too much of a "poor me" feel. I felt like I was getting stuck. I had to step away. Take some time, figure out what I wanted. Make sure, I kept writing from my heart.

I've got a stock pile of things that I want to share. Lots of great photos. Some fabulous Kate escapades.
But right now, I'm just trying to get through the next few days. Eight years ago tonight, Scott and I were having our wedding rehearsal. Gathering most of our wedding party and family and preparing to walk down the aisle, two days later.
Scott and I always took time out of today to remember those moments before the wedding. Always, even last year. Seems like we told the same stories every year. But they were our stories. Stories that I want to hear again this year but can't bring myself to share.
As Kate pointed out today while we were carving pumpkins, "This was more fun last year when Daddy helped."
So for now... deep breath in, deep breath out.
Kate's school party and trick or treating tomorrow. Then Tuesday... eight years. I'll find some way to memorialize it. I'm just now sure how.


Used to Be

Seems like a few weeks ago the "good days" were more frequent. I'm struggling to find a way to get through the next few months. I know I need to start "talking". I know I need to feel like I'm being heard. I just don't know where to start or what to say.
Listing all the things I miss about him over and over again, just seems to fall flat.

Found this picture on the netbook today. I found myself being reminded to "fake it until you can make it".
Maybe, I'll try that tomorrow....


Tuesdays Gone

This song is never far from my mind on Tuesday. It caught my attention a few months ago and I'll randomly catch myself humming it as my Tuesday starts.

You would think that Tuesdays would just be Tuesdays by now. You wouldn't think they would still be "Tuesdays". They have gotten better. I don't get stuck every Tuesday afternoon. I don't dread it, count the moments or beg for the day to pass. I've stopped counting days and weeks. Good things can happen on Tuesdays now.

I'll count that as forward progress.


My Sister In Law

I haven't talked much about Tamara here. Truth is, I never met Tamara and until just recently I didn't really even know her.

My basement flooded a few weeks back. Coating the entire floor in about 2'' of water. I filled a 10yard dumpster with the really ruined and sent my reinforcements home. Leaving the rest for me to sort through.

When we moved into this house six years ago we did it rather quickly and with lots of distractions. Moving Scott's father out of the "Witt family house" where Scott grew up and the Witt family grew, loved, and grieved for 30 years and in with us in this house was an undertaking for sure. Loads of boxes were crammed with stuff and piled in the basement to be dealt with "later". That later came with this flood.

I have now gone through every box, Rubbermaid container, Matchbox car holder, and tackle box. I've sorted, purged, cried, laughed, longed and ached. I've read cards from Scott's mother to his father. Book reports that Scott wrote in the sixth grade. Letters from Scott's mother to his sister while she was away (either in the hospital or away at college). Endless amounts of medical transcripts have crossed in front of my face.
But, the best things that these eyes have seen (besides the photos of Scott doing all kinds of things through out his life) were the beautiful words of my sister-in-law Tamara.
Tamara, was a published author and poet. A National Honor Society Member. A straight A Bradley graduate that over came all the obstacles that life put in front of her. Her mind, her heart and her soul never left her even when her body betrayed her and made writing almost impossible. She found ways. She and her brother, they found a way to be heard.
From birth until death, they spoke loudly with whispers.

So many of Tamara's writings spoke to me. Tamara wrote this poem in the late 90's. Long before Scott was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos IV (but a while after her diagnose of EDS IV). Tamara wrote words that would say exactly what I would be feeling almost 20 years later.
I'm thankful for the flood. It gave me my sister-in-law.

The Sun Will Rise
an original poem by Tamara Witt (copyright implied)

Dark, oh, dark is night
When you have known the light.
Feeling so alone
For you've held someone.
Hungry, not for food.
Tending just to brood.
Practicing a smile,
Just once in a while.
Keeping friends away,
Hiding what frowns say.
But you do forget,
Though your sun has set,
Other that can see
Through you easily.
Open your streaming eyes.
Watch. The sun will rise,
Warming the cold space
From one none replace.
This, too, I did see
Though no one showed me.

I'm working my way back from my hiatus and I'm letting Tamara help guide me.


Hey Mommy, it's your birthday

We're going to party like it's your birthday. Well, we'll be celebrating tomorrow but that's not how the song goes.

One of my all time favorite pictures was taken last year on Mom's birthday.

God, I miss him.

Lots to catch up on. It's coming soon, promise.