Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Just Can't Get Enough


My Aunt Marie is here visiting. When she asked to go to Daddy Lake, I jumped at the chance. After all, I just can't get enough.
How could it be possible to get enough of a place that makes the world seem like a better place? A place that takes my worries and pushes them aside. A place that brings me nothing but happy memories. Load up the bus I'm in! And this time, I'm bringing the whole damn family!

Its been a non-typical week around these parts. It's not often that I get sick but when I do... Look out! My body is a fan of the 'go big or go home' motto apparently. A cold turned into laryngitis, turned into bronchitis and in triumphant fashion at 2am Friday, a ruptured ear drum! Kate and I still managed a week of classes, school, work but without our usual flair.

I needed to feel the healing love of the lake. And boy did it deliver! Another absolutely glorious day! I keep pinching myself, afraid it's just a dream. I wasn't the only person feeling the love (or the pinching probably).

This was the first time the extended family gathered at the lake. The first time I've really had to share the space. I was afraid that I was going to be too busy, too distracted, too...whatever, to enjoy it. I'm so glad that wasn't the case.

I find that there are things that I don't like sharing. Pieces of him that I just want to keep all to myself. Even a year later. I'm always happy to talk about Scott, share one of his jokes or tell a story but there are just a few things, places, details, that I want to keep hidden. Tucked away from other people's opinions or thoughts. Safe from contact with any others. Kate is the only exception. And maybe that's because I know she can't change the story or add something to it.

I think that's part of the reason I stopped posting for awhile. I just didn't want to share anymore. Does this make me strange? And no, that's not a trick question like "does this make my butt look big?".

Here's the thing about being 'strange' in how I move forward with this life, I don't care if I am. I don't care if the entire world thinks I'm a flag flying freak. I am what I am and that's the end of it. I can't change it so I must embrace it.

If there is one thing I hope I can instill in Kate it's that. When there is a pure, genuine feeling in your heart, all you can do is accept it for what it is. Let your freak flag fly.

Thank you Aunt Marie for wanting to go. And thank you to the rest of the family for going. Sharing feels good. I just wish the rest of me felt that good.




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Part 2

Kate started ice skating lessons last week. Today was her second time on the ice. She's a natural. Her smile radiates off her face when she's on the ice. Grinning from ear to ear she just keeps getting back up and trying again. Just like her Dad.

I imagine what their conversations would be like right now if he was here. I know she's disappointed to come home to the empty house and not have anyone else to share her good news with. I sense the pause in her when we enter through the garage and she yells "were home" adding "Jake and Becky". Like she doesn't still want to yell "were home Daddy".

His room is her playroom now. Neither one of us like to play in there. The indentations in the floor from his bed still a reminder of what isn't here. We'll sit in there sometimes, lounging on the floor, and talk about him. Telling stories. Sharing.
She's asked to hear the story of his death more in the last month than she has in the last 11months. She wants to know every detail. When she's sure she's heard it all she asks to hear the story of her birth, or of Scott and I's first date or of the Cub's game. Absorbing as many of those details as she can before finally moving on to other important things. Like, would Ariel really marry Prince Eric?

Today she skated and we went to Daddy Lake. We ran, we chased, we played and we sat. We sat on that pier and we talked. She told daddy all about skating. She told him about starting kindergarten in the fall and about her friend Azier at school. "he's a boy Daddy. But don't worry he's not my boyfriend. I don't want one of those until after college."
This is all stuff we tell him every night and before every afternoon rest. But being on that lake with the glorious sun shinning on us, I'm pretty sure both of us knew for certain that he was sitting on that pier with us. How else can you explain 80degree weather on March 15th in Chicago?
It felt so good to be so close to him. So close and yet so far.

She is so much his girl. Quick with a joke. Always wanting to make others smile. His long eyelashes and small mouth. But it's her calm that is most like him. Her gentle ease. Sitting on that pier, a tear ran under my sunglasses. She just leaned her little body on mine and whispered "he still loves us." A true grace that can never be defined but that can only be experienced to fully understand. If you knew him, you know the grace I speak of. How did I get so lucky to have it in my life twice?

Our dinner at his favorite restaurant didn't go as well as our trip to Daddy Lake. No warnings, no signs, no information. Just locked doors. Not ones to give up, we made it work at the Olive Garden. It doesn't really matter where we are after all, it just matters that we're together. In thinking about it now, the Olive Garden is really a pretty good place. His last birthday with us was spent there. One of my favorite pictures of he and Kate, the one that sits beside my bed, was taken there. Looking at my big girl sitting across from me tonight at dinner and trying to connect her with the six month old baby in the picture on my dresser... an impossible task. Realizing that her daddy is holding on to her now just as he was in that picture; so very easy.

Every date on the calendar has now been lived since he left. Every major holiday has been conquered. We got through the past year. I'm sure we didn't do everything "right". I know it wasn't always pretty. I know there is more longing, pain, heartache to come. Beyond that though, I know we can do this. I may not always want to. But we can and we will.

This is our one wild and precious life.

and we're going to live it.

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A year part 1

My first thoughts this morning as I opened my eyes to see 321 on the clock, "normal, I feel normal". As the eyes opened so did reality. The crushing pressure in my chest; my constant companion this past week and the blinding searing pain that radiates over my eyes were back. How can I do this? How can I manage this day?
Toss and turn. Toss and turn. Mind swirling, empty thoughts, fragments of thoughts really swirling in my head. The same thoughts that have lingered all week.
He wouldn't recognize his daughter now. She's so big. Her face has changed. Her speech is clearer. Her thoughts more structured and concise. She too carries the sadness behind her eyes. A sadness that didn't exist a year ago.
She remembers him so well. Things I didn't think were possible for her to remember she holds with such clarity. She draws him as an angel. But talks to him and about him like he's here. Until it's time to make a wish or talk about what she wants to do when she's older. Then it's the same thing every time. "I wish my daddy could come back home. When I get big enough I'm going to invent a time machine to bring Daddy home.". Ugh.

I'm not where I thought I would be by now. This isn't what I pictured. I had a plan.


Toss,turn,toss,turn mumble,dream,breathe...


Get up. The alarm is screaming that it's time to workout. Another 90 minutes of sweat to chase it all away. I've got muscles I never knew I had. Even then, when I would literally carry my husband I wasn't as strong as I am today. Carrying him made me feel strong, powerful, like I had a purpose. Now... I can sweat.
Today's 90 turned to 27. I can't do it. I just can't. My breathing is wrong. My focus, my drive... Gone. As I lay on the floor all I can think is write. Write! Write to him, write to her, write to yourself. Just write. So here I am. Writing. Breathing. Listening.

I don't remember the birds chirping outside my window last year. But I wasn't in my room. What do I remember? The struggled, labored managed breaths. The eyes that lit up every time Kates voice could be heard. The scratchy, raspy, barely audible, voice that said "don't leave me, I can't be without you. I don't want to be alone."

This is my journey. This is my path. I get to choose how to spend this day. I will not spend anymore time remembering the alone, the sad, the loss. I will take our girl and I will remember the good. We'll do something new, visit you at the lake and eat your favorite dinner.

I will put away the memories of my sighs, eye rolls and complaining. I will tell her again the story of us. I will share the funny times. That is where the life is. That is what matters.

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Sweet Dreams

I don't know how it started. And even though it's 3am and it just happened I feel the details fading.
I had the most wonderful dream.

Scott and I were standing in my parents old town house. We were standing in the hallway at the top of the basement stairs. Right next to the mirrored closet door, in the exact spot where I emerged from my bedroom in my parents basement for our first date.
He seemed shorter somehow. Almost like he couldn't quite stand to his full stature. Like an older, more worn man. Certainly not the tall, energetic young man I climbed those stairs for that first date.
He may have looked different, feeble almost, but he wasn't different. His hand was cooler than mine, like always. His smile resonated off his face and standing in his presence offered me such a quiet peace.
I don't know what we were doing standing there. Kate's cry comes out from the upstairs. He immediately begins to climb the stairs "I'll get Bug" he says. As I watch him struggle to the stairs, Kate's cries become more urgent. I quickly slip past him and run up the stairs. Passing him as he says "Good idea, go get our girl."
The top of the stairs and an immediate left, I look into the bedroom that long, long ago was mine (before the move to the basement) and see Kate laying on the bed that was my brother Mathew's when he took the room after my "big" move downstairs. The four poster bed that actually belong to my grandmother. The bed that was in Scott and I's first master bedroom, in that tiny first house. A bed, that now, in this much to large house, my parents sleep in when they spend the night.
There was a smaller Kate. Not tiny like a baby but certainly not as old as she is now. Maybe, the age she was when he left us.
She called out for me again. Going over to her I climbed in bed with her. That's not something we do. Kate and I have shared a bed exactly, 1 time, and that was the night he died. Without hesitation, like it was the most normal thing to do, I pulled back the covers and cuddled my girl.
At the foot of the bed, Scott climbed in and crawled over us. Sneaking under the covers he wrapped his arms around both of us. He said "I love my girls". The last words he spoke on this earth, and pulled us in tighter.
I couldn't soak up enough. Even in my dream, I knew how lucky I was to be there. How lucky I was to be "the chosen one" the one who he loved the most.
Looking past me, he points to something on the floor and says "Look at that monster! It's older than my dad's". An older CPU is sitting on the floor beside the bed. I turn to look at it. Turning back around, to talk to him, my breath catches. He's gone. My baby girl is asleep in my arms, were still in that old trusty, loved bed, in the house where I grew up but he's gone.
I don't feel sad really. I feel comforted. Stronger. Safer

The real monitor, in my real house, in this thing I call real life, carries Kate's voice to me "Mama... Mommy?" Hesitating, not wanting to let go of my dream. Not wanting to be without him again, I hear his voice "go get our girl."

As much as I wish I could have stayed in that dream forever, I'm glad Kate woke up. I might have forgotten this dream, had she not. Maybe I've had many dreams just like this one. Odly comforting.
Maybe writing it down, I'll be able to remember the feel of the comforter as he wrapped his arms around us. Or the coolness to his skinny hand. Maybe Kate will read this one day and know that he is always with us... if only in our dreams.

Sweet Dreams...

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In The Middle

On Saturday, in the pouring rain, Kate and I (along with Mom, Dad, Justin and Kara) headed out to cut down our Christmas tree.

Scott and I loved cutting down our tree. The last few years though, it was just too hard on Scott. It was one of the few things we couldn't make happen. So we started the tradition of supporting a local nursery.
This year, I decided I wanted to reinstate the tree cutting tradition. I made the unfortunate mistake of getting a vision in my head. A vision I couldn't possibly fulfill.
But everyone put on their happy faces, except Kate who barely kept it together (in fairness to her, she was sick). We trudged out and found the least pathetic trees we could and cut them down. Soaking wet, frozen to the core and maybe a little disappointed we came home.

It's a tiny, sad, little tree that looks hysterical in my huge ass great room. It doesn't matter though. Kate and I picked it out together, put it up together and tonight, we decorated it together.

So many stories, moments and memories. Each ornament comes with its own piece of history. Not having Scott there to remember the stories, to share with, to sit with and watch the tree glow with... there are no words.

The last thing we did tonight was hang the stockings. I didn't know what I wanted. Hang Scott's stocking. Leave an empty space. Fuck stockings...
My mind swirled with thoughts. I just didn't know the right thing to do. So, I asked Kate what she wanted. That little girl never ceases to amaze me. Without hesitation she said she wanted it up.
"It would make him happy."
"But, Kate would it make you happy?"
"Yes, because he's always watching me and he believes in me."
"Yes, he does Baby."
"Can Daddy stocking go in the middle?"
"Of course it can."



What would I do with out her?

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The Story of Us

Sometime this morning it came into my mind that I haven't told the story of us. The story of how we met, fell in love and started our life. I thought today, on the anniversary of our first date (nine years ago) I would share my version of the story of us. I regret that I don't have Scott's story documented. I'll try to add in the pieces he would always add in whenever this story was regaled.

And so it begins,

I had just started a new job and was told to "call Scott at Northwest and arrange to get this stuff over here." So that's what I did. Our first phone call wasn't just the brief, in passing, type. I introduce myself, inquired about how his day was and instead of the usual "Fine. Thanks." I got a real answer. I wish I could remember the answer but I cannot. I do remember that when he inquired about my day I knew he meant it. He really wanted to know. He wasn't just being polite like I had just been. And so it begun.
For weeks, there were reasons to call "Scott at Northwest". Sometimes I made them up, other times I was actually doing my job. Every time we talked I learned something new. Not a girl to let things happen slowly, I made it very clear that I was single, dating and really hating most of the guys I had met recently. I hinted, pushed, nudged, and stopped just short of skywriting "Ask me out Dumbass."
This is the part of the story where Scott would interject and say "I didn't want to be pushy. You seemed so nice."
Then finally, one day, Scott had reason to come to my office. I was ready. Killer dress, fab heels, hair and make-up done, not the typical attire for a construction office. The moment I saw him through the glass door I knew it. I knew I needed him. He was exactly what I had pictured. What I had imagined. Exactly what I wanted and needed.
Sadly, he came in, greeted me with a polite handshake, dropped off the few items and left. He would tell you that he decided I was to pretty for him to ask out but I never bought that. I thought he was just chicken.
We returned to our conversations. Talking longer and longer each time. After a particularly long weekend where I became so frustrated by the choices in front of me, I laid it on the line. My line was something cheesy like "I could never find a good guy like you to go out with." That was it, he finally got the hint and asked me out.
I couldn't wait! He suggested waiting two weeks, you know that wasn't going to fly and so I suggested two days later. I always did get my way. I finally had it, my date with "Scott from Northwest". Dragging Sere to the mall, we scoured every store (a few of them twice) to find the perfect outfit.
Date night finally arrived. Scott arrived promptly, met my parents and stood waiting for me at the top of the stairs when I finally gathered myself together enough to emerge from my residence in the parents' basement. He and my dad were laughing about something, I have no idea what, but in that moment, I looked at him and knew. That was it. I was done.
Jumping in his truck, we were off to Port Barrington. We closed the doors to the truck and it began. The incessant talking. For the next eight hours we didn't shut up. We talked tv, we talked, family, we talked sports, politics, money, children. We talked about everything and nothing.
We talked so much that the waitress, as the kitchen was getting ready to close at 10 (we got there at 630), finally asked if we wanted her to order for us. Hastily we both chose a dish. I don't remember what we ate, though I know Scott didn't have pasta because as I would find out a short time later, the poor boy had no idea how to properly eat spaghetti and he didn't want to embarrass himself.
We talked as we walked out the door hours later, both forgetting about the bar bill. I didn't know this either until sometime later. Scott felt so awful, he went back the next day and took care of the bill and left a huge tip. Always, the good guy.
Driving back to my parents, we talked. Yup, more talking. We sat outside my parents house and talked until the wee hours of the morning. He told me about losing his mom and his sister. He assured me the doctors said he didn't have VEDS. It didn't matter. Already, it didn't matter.

I got out of the car that night without a kiss. I reached across the truck and scored a hug but Scott, the gentleman didn't even attempt a first date kiss.
I went to bed that night thinking that the man of my dreams thought of me like a kid sister. Turns out Scott went to bed that night thinking "Did I really just meet my future wife?".
The post date phone call late Sunday afternoon went something like Him-"We should do that again some time." Me - "That would be awesome." Him - "How's next weekend?" Me - "I don't really want to wait that long how about Tuesday?" Him - "That would be great."

The second date Cubs game. I've shared the hot dog story from the game. But what you don't know is that we joked on the way down to the game, sitting in bumper to bumper Chicago traffic just outside O'Hare airport, I said "Screw the game let's fly to Vegas." Scott's response "And get married."
There was a pause in the truck. As we both thought about if we could actually just fly off and get married. No thoughts of "I just met this person I shouldn't do that." Just thoughts of "People would really think I was crazy." In the end it was the disappointment that my mom would feel in not seeing her only daughter get married that kept up from jumping on the next flight out of town.
That second date finally ended with a kiss. He asked for permission first.
And off we went. We were inseparable. Spending all our time together. Going on adventures. Enjoying life.

Christmas Eve of that year, we got our first major punch. Scott called from the Emergency Room. He was in incredible pain and wasn't going to make it to Christmas eve dinner. Dropping everything I rushed to be with him. It was in that room that we first heard "we think you have Vascular Ehlers-Danlos." We had only been dating 3months. Scott had a right leg aneurysm and the level 2 trauma center needed to move him immediately to a level 1. Christmas Eve night was spent flying down the road in an ambulance. Snow, apprehension, worry, flying around us.
Christmas morning, my mom took one look at me and said "Go to him." Nothing else mattered. I didn't care about stockings, presents, dinner. I just wanted my Scott.

Scott told me before his first angio, right after the doctor told us he would be lucky to be alive at the end of the day, Scott looked me right in the eyes and said "you can go." I didn't. I wouldn't. I couldn't. I never regretted it. Not even for a minute.

From that first storm to the last moment, we were together. We will always be together.




Photo compliments of Kara Schultz.

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When did this happen?

My sweet baby girl is growing up. I don't know when it happened but when I looked at these pictures that I took the day we went to Daddy Lake, and couldn't believe my eyes.

I told Kate that she was getting to big and I pushed down on the top of her head (just like my dad did to me) and told her to stop growing. Tonight as we played Berenstein Bears Learn to Share (a board game) she sat sitting on the floor pushing down on her head.

"I don't want to grow up mom. Daddy won't know what I look like if I get big."

I assured her that such a thing is completely impossible. Her daddy would know her anywhere. Not even heaven can keep her daddy away.

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The Journey

Our life together has been an incredible journey. A modern day fairy tale of sorts.

I have spent so many days the last six months feeling completely alone. Grieving the loss of you in ways I never dreamed imaginable. My emotions, thoughts and clarity all swinging widly from one moment to the next. I've had times when it felt like I had forgotten you already. Times when I couldn't hear your voice or feel your hand in mine. I fretted and worried that those days were going to become the norm. That one day I would wake up and you would just have disappeared from memory.

When today started with this on the floor.

Kate's purple Tylenol somehow spilled in the shape of a smiley face.

And then when we got in the car and this song was the first thing on the radio.

I knew you were with us. I felt closer to you all day today than I have in the last six months. You were somehow right at the edge of my conciousness all day. Almost like if I spun around fast enough I would be able to catch a glimpse of you.

An afternoon at "Daddy's lake", with a crispness in the air, the softest breeze off the lake and the biggest, brightest sky I've ever seen. We talked about you. We remembered you. We loved you.

I may walk down the path alone now but this is still our journey. This is still our story. Everywhere Kate and I are, you will always be.


You are loved. You are missed. You are honored.

Always,
B.

PS- If it's not too much to ask, can you please stay just a little closer everyday? I need you.

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Calgon... take me away...

Screw Calgon. Sadly, I've never been much of a bath fan. If it was my slogan it would be "Piper Warrior... take me away."
That's exactly what I did on Saturday.


There is just something about being in the air that quiets me. Up there you can't worry about money. You can't think about how Kate is mourning. There are no fleeting thoughts of all the responsibilities on the ground.

I feel tiny up there. I remember that my life is just a teeny, tiny blip on the radar of life. My issues, my problems, my saddness and worry, just don't matter.

Flying a short 40 minutes puts me so far away from home while still being close enough. Jump in the little Jeep. The Jeep that was mine when I found my passion for building buildings. Letting my hair fly in the wind. Twisting and turning down the roads to my happy place.

The place where my soul was born many, lifetimes ago. I know at the top of that hill is hard work. I know my hands will ache, my back will stiffen and I'll be gasping for breath. I know it and I love it. I crave it.

The beauty and the majesty surrounding me. Again, I feel small. No more or less important than the ants working hard to build their home.

This place, trips like this, forever and always a part of me.

Until the skies call me again. I will rest here on earth.

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Oh the places we go

There are so many ways to grieve. Every person has their own response, their own way. No two ways are exactly alike. Something I've learned in this process is that aside from things that are completely and totally self sabotaging, there is no right way or wrong way to mourn a loss.

Part of my grieving (and Kate's by default)is to keep busy.

Too much idle time, is just that too much. Too much time to think. Too much time to miss. Too much time to dwell. Too much emptiness.

So, we go. We zoo. We work. We swim. We dip our bodies in the lake.

We try new things and cling to the things that reminded us of Scott.

Old Threshers was for Scott.

He could spend hours, upon hours cruising around Old Threshers, looking at tractors, horses, old cars. He loved to sit in the stands and watch the tractor parade roll by. Marveling at all the different kinds of tractors. Trying desperately to pick a favorite.

Truth be told though. Scott's favorite part of Old Theshers was talking to all the people. He could sit and talk with my Uncle Laverne, my Aunt Lynn, their friend Dave, the other friends and family that would come any given year for hours on end. When in doubt you could find Scott chatting with some stranger asking him a thousand random questions about his tractor. Scott's way to engage people, to really care, to really listen... God, I miss it.

I wasn't sure we were going to go to Old Threshers. I literally waited until the two hours before we left to decide. The idea of going without him, I just didn't think I could bear it.

On the heels of the weeks before, I thought being there, being in a place that was so "Scott" just might be what broke me.

Thinking about it gave me night sweats. I just couldn't imagine doing it without him. Two years ago when we went, he rolled around in the rented scooter thing and saw everything. He got to go everywhere. Do anything he wanted. It was perfect. But, there would be no more perfect. Just a giant hole.

Even with the last minute decision, my "team" rallied. Mom and Dad drove.

Sere drove an hour from her house so that I wouldn't feel out of place with my big ass camera.

Saskija and S2 brought the girls. Aunt Marie, Uncle Ron. Everyone rallied.

We talked about Scott. We remembered past trips. We enjoyed the beautiful day, just like he would want.

The kids took center stage this time. Watching Kate play with her two little cousins. Asking Talise if she would be her "best friend". Riding ponys until we ran out of money.

My girl, loves Old Threshers as much as her dad did. She could have spent days there.

So could Raina. You would think Raina was born on a horse the way that girl acted.

We made it through the trip. We more than made it through, we rocked it. We enjoyed it. We made new memories. Laughed at old ones and did what Scott would have wanted us to do.

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