In The Middle

On Saturday, in the pouring rain, Kate and I (along with Mom, Dad, Justin and Kara) headed out to cut down our Christmas tree.

Scott and I loved cutting down our tree. The last few years though, it was just too hard on Scott. It was one of the few things we couldn't make happen. So we started the tradition of supporting a local nursery.
This year, I decided I wanted to reinstate the tree cutting tradition. I made the unfortunate mistake of getting a vision in my head. A vision I couldn't possibly fulfill.
But everyone put on their happy faces, except Kate who barely kept it together (in fairness to her, she was sick). We trudged out and found the least pathetic trees we could and cut them down. Soaking wet, frozen to the core and maybe a little disappointed we came home.

It's a tiny, sad, little tree that looks hysterical in my huge ass great room. It doesn't matter though. Kate and I picked it out together, put it up together and tonight, we decorated it together.

So many stories, moments and memories. Each ornament comes with its own piece of history. Not having Scott there to remember the stories, to share with, to sit with and watch the tree glow with... there are no words.

The last thing we did tonight was hang the stockings. I didn't know what I wanted. Hang Scott's stocking. Leave an empty space. Fuck stockings...
My mind swirled with thoughts. I just didn't know the right thing to do. So, I asked Kate what she wanted. That little girl never ceases to amaze me. Without hesitation she said she wanted it up.
"It would make him happy."
"But, Kate would it make you happy?"
"Yes, because he's always watching me and he believes in me."
"Yes, he does Baby."
"Can Daddy stocking go in the middle?"
"Of course it can."


What would I do with out her?