I'm not ok

I've been missing and I'm sorry. I do my best to keep this blog a clear reflection of my feelings at a given moment. A way to always have a reflection on what I was thinking or feeling. While the thoughts or feelings I write about are not exclusive to feelings on any given day, they are a representation of a piece of my mind right then.
I don't think, plan or outline what I'm going to say when I blog, I just sit down and wait for the words to find me. Sometimes it's really easy and other times, I stare at the blank screen and search the resources of my mind for a clear thought.
Over the last few weeks, I've had fewer and fewer clear thoughts. Things have been a jumbled mess in my mind. I'm beginning to realize that there are pieces of the past 18months that I haven't really dealt with. There is guilt, remorse, isolation. Feelings of abandonment, heartache, regret.
Even my "happy face" has taken a licking.

So, no more happy face. I've got to dig deep and start working on me. I'm all Kate's got and I can't fail her by burying my head in the sand.

Everything will be ok. Hell, everything will be even better.
Kate on the 4th of July at the carnival. She spent most of her time like this. Hating the noise but loving the environment.

Colleen  – (July 5, 2011 at 8:56 PM)  

I'm soooo very sorry B!! Hang in there and I hope you can work it out. Your girl looks gorgeous as always : )

Anonymous –   – (July 5, 2011 at 8:59 PM)  

You can do it Brandi!!! Everything will work out :)

Anonymous –   – (July 6, 2011 at 1:39 AM)  

This is unfortunately the hardest time for you.You probably could use a good day of crying,yelling and screaming(when Kate's not there).Brandi,you expect too much from yourself.You are a good mother,you were a good wife.Now be good to yourself and start to process that you need to move on,its not a betrayal,its a fact of life.Hold Scott's memory in the part of your heart that it belongs and concentrate on healing you and Kate.Love Nancy

kgiff  – (July 6, 2011 at 11:48 AM)  

The only thing I have to offer is a virtual hug. Thinking about you.

Nick  – (July 7, 2011 at 4:14 PM)  

Doing good things for yourself to benefit Kate is a good. Doing good things for your own sake is probably even better; Kate will lose nothing and you will come to realize that you don't have to justify to anyone what happiness comes to you.

Amy F.W.  – (July 10, 2011 at 7:38 PM)  

More virtual hugs to you. Wish I could give you a real one.

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