Words...

There has been so much going on the past few weeks. So much and yet, nothing at all. There has been lots of time for Kate and I to "hang" together and yet, when I think back I feel like I've been through a war. My own personal, private, internal war.

I've seen old people out and about. Old people that are so obviously in love with each other. Old people that hold hands, still talk together and laugh together. I'm so jealous of those people. The ones that found their love and have held onto it. I wonder if I'll ever have a chance at that. If Kate will ever yell at me to stop making out in the kitchen like I yell at my parents. My parents are disgusting. I secretly love it but don't tell them. *Hi Mom and Dad*

Single mom. There is a phrase that I never really thought about before. I've always admired single moms. I've wondered how they do it, all alone. Then a friend pointed out to me during a recent conversation that I'm a single mom. Well, fuck. I guess I am.

I've seen more TV recently than usual. This is a bi product of my craptacular internet service. I've found myself watching the shows that Scott would watch while I was doing dressing changes. Criminal Minds, CSI, NCIS. Watching CSI the other night, they talked about cremation. The one really cute guy (even though he's too short for me) made a comment about how cremation is awful. How it burns the bones to a dust and it's this horrific process. I told them to fuck off and turned the tv off.

Kate's swimming classes are going horribly. Kate's got sensory issues and the water in her ears is a HUGE (read: being so upset she threw up in the pool) problem. I took her to the doctor just to rule out any medical problem. No such luck, it's all sensory and we just need to treat the behavior. I have a plan of attack. I've researched and I've learned from other sensory issues she's had so I know what I'm doing but I'm not going to lie, I've gone to bed every night since Monday wishing I had someone to talk the problem over with. Well, I shouldn't say someone, I should say I want her father to talk it over with.
Scott and I always made sure we were on the same page with parenting her. He let me lead the way most of the time since I was primary but we always talked through how to handle things and how to reinforce the positive and be a team. Kids with sensory issues (and I believe kids in general) canNOT get mixed signals from parents. But even before we knew Kate had issues we always parented as a team. I'm a man down on my team and I hate it.

There are so many holes that seem to be growing. But there are others that have gotten noticeably smaller. I can stand in Scott's room and remember the good moments. I can hear the laughter and the talks. I no longer just picture him dead in bed. I'm comforted in doing the things he loved, not tormented. Kate is now comfortable talking to Scott anytime she wants to. She tells him everything. I love it.

We've got some exciting news to announce. Save the date for August 13th. If you're out of the area, book your flights or travel arrangements. More information will be forthcoming but for now, I'll just tell you, it's going to be an awesome way to remember Scott, honor him and contribute to a charity that can save the lives of other VEDS patients.

I haven't picked up my camera in weeks. It's just too damn hot to get outside. So you get no photos, only words.