Happy Birthday Baby!

I woke up at 330a. My first thoughts were "Happy Birthday Baby". I whispered them out loud like you were next to me. Maybe you heard them in heaven.
I tried in vein for an hour to get back to bed. I thought about work, Kate, life, our plans for the day. I thought about anything but you. Trying to forget that you're not here to celebrate what would have been your 36th birthday.
The sadness, anger, frustration, and loneliness found me though. I couldn't keep the tears away, no matter how hard I tried.

Kate and I have been talking about how today would have been your birthday. In true 4 year old fashion, she just wanted to know how we would get your presents to you and if I thought you needed a toothbrush in heaven because Papa liked his toothbrush she got him so much.
I think we'll be sending you a balloon. Don't worry I won't attach a toothbrush.

I can't believe you're not here. It makes me smile though, when I think about your first birthday celebration reunited with your family. I can only imagine the cake, presents and love your mom is drowning you in.
And then, if I'm being honest, I think 'what if I'm wrong'. What if heaven isn't as I imagine it to be. What if it isn't what I need it to be for you. So then I go back to being selfish and just wanting you here. Because here, I know what kind of day you would have. You would have a great day. You would be with your best girl and you would have a new toothbrush.

I promise not to be sad all day. I promise to not be angry. I will spend the day with our girl, reminding her of how much she's loved. She wants to go to the beach today. As we drove by it last night on our way home she said, "There's the lake I go to with Daddy. Can we go there tomorrow so Daddy's sunshine finds me?" I've always been better than you at telling her no, but even I can't say no to that.
I'm glad she feels you while on a lake. I feel you there too.

Happy 36th Birthday Scott. We love you and miss you.

Always,
B.