High Hopes

I had really high hopes that I would get some Disney pictures up tonight but alas, it's not happening.
I just spent the last hour sitting on the floor in my master bathroom (don't ask) watching old video on my camcorder. After tucking Kate into bed and barely making it through our nightly "talk to Scott" I went downstairs. Completely sobbing I threw myself on the floor of his old room (turned office, again) where his bed once was. I curled into a ball and sobbed. The kind of sobs that you know someone would call animal control if they heard you making that kind of noise. You can't breathe, you can't think, you can't hear, you can only sob, shriek rock yourself back and forth.
I tried so hard to hear his voice in my mind. I just couldn't get it right. It wasn't him, it was some studio recorded version of him. A Lady Gaga version, if you will. I needed the real thing. I HAD to hear his voice. Blindly pulling out my phone, I call his voicemail. That message is just to short.

Jumping off the ground, wiping the tears with the back of my hand, I became a woman on a mission. I said the other day that I was feeling ready to watch some of our home movies. In that moment, I became obsessed. I HAD to watch the tapes. I HAD to hear his voice. I'm so sucky, and tape so infrequently, that I had to hunt down all the necessary pieces to the camera. Throwing open drawers, and cabinets, I found every part. Leaving a tornado behind me, I put together.

By now I've calmed down some. The tears have dried on my cheeks and I'm slightly less manic. I gather everything and head upstairs. Telling myself that I would plug in the camera to charge and watch the videos on the television sometime soon. I even tried to use you guys as incentive, thinking about how patient most of you have been in seeing the Disney pictures. Too bad, it didn't work.

I plugged the camera in, in the bathroom. Thinking I wouldn't be tempted to watch in there. WRONG. At first I said, just a minute. Then just until I see his face. Then just one tape. Two tapes and an hour later, I'm smiling again.
My butt hurts from sitting on the tile but I can hear Scott's voice again. It was worth it.

There are no words to describe how much I miss him. How much I long to see his smile, hear his laugh and hold his hand. He brought so much more to my life than I ever realized.

Here is a little known truth about Scott and I. I want to share it so that I don't lose it. I'm terrified of losing my memories.
During my pregnancy with Kate, one of the very few "pregnancy woes" I had was a chronically itchy back. My back was so dry and so itchy all time it drove me mad. Scott being the wonderful husband he was, started scratching my back at night before bed. It quickly became a tradition. Every night that Scott slept next to me, he would rub my back. It took me some time to realize that he would force himself to stay awake until he thought I had fallen asleep. Not wanting to disappoint me or quit too soon.
The last year or two that Scott and I shared a bed, I started pretending to fall asleep. I would slow my breathing and wait for Scott's hand to stop moving. It would take just a few seconds and he would start snoring. He just needed to "know" that I was content and he would be content. It's just the type of guy he was. I'm so glad he chose me to share his life with.

I can't believe it's been two months. I actually said today "I just want my husband to come home". Like he's just away on business or something. I wish my subconscious would catch up to reality.

missy dappen  – (May 15, 2011 at 10:22 PM)  

I wish I had tape to put your heart back together, Brandi. I know he is with you every second, wishing he could rub your back again. Many, many hugs to you.

Kim  – (May 16, 2011 at 9:23 AM)  

Big hugs momma! Thinking of you!

BigDan  – (May 16, 2011 at 11:02 AM)  

Thinking of you with love...

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