Jump

I saw this mama with her babies today as I was leaving a job site. The first baby ducks I've seen this spring.
As I watched this mama parade her little family through a busy parking lot, I couldn't take my eyes of the babies.
Yeah they're cute, fuzzy little guys (and girls) making little squeak noises. But what struck me was how they blindly followed their mother. They kept their eyes on her all the time. Never once looking toward me or at the other cars moving about. They just focused on Mom. If she was there everything was alright.

That's kind of how Kate and I are right now. There are lots of transitions and adjustments happening on an almost daily basis. Kate has handled all of them with grace, intelligence and calm that someone five times her age doesn't even possess usually. I really hope that it's because she's mimicing what she sees in me.

I'm trying so hard to do what Scott wanted. I'm trying to focus on the good. Working on smiling, laughing and enjoying life. Most of the time I think I do a pretty good job but every once in a while I fall. Not just a little stumble but a huge, massive, horrific, fall from the roof of a building. Leaving me splattered on the ground below in a bloody heap. It's just part of the adjustment, I guess.

It's interesting because I'm struggling to relate to the outside world and I've seen this week how much the outside world struggles to relate to me. People have an easy time with Kate because most assume she doesn't "understand" what's happened. They just play with her and everything is fine. But me... yeah that's another story.

It's been a reunion type week for me. I've run into people in public places, reconnected on FaceBook, and I've spent time with a few others. Everyone does the same thing. They say nothing about Scott, dancing around the question "how are you?" like it's going to poison them. Maybe they're waiting for me to bring up the subject, maybe they are hoping I won't bring it up at all, or maybe they think I don't want to talk about it. I don't know, I'm not in their shoes.
I'm in my shoes and in my shoes, I want to talk about Scott. I want to talk about what happened, what a wonderful person he was, how losing him will impact Kate and me forever.
I want to hear what everyone has to say but I also don't want people to feel like they can only talk about Scott. I'm perfectly capable of talking about other things. I talk about lots and lots of different things. I enjoy talking about different things.
What I don't enjoy is feeling like people are walking on glass around me. I assure you all, I will not break. There is nothing that can be said, done or implied that will break me. I've been through the ringer and I've come out the other side.
I've got this.

I'll be the proud mother duck. I will walk my daughter through her life, watching for cars, keeping her safe from harm, showing her how to move gracefully through life while not being afraid to jump.