I'm just going to come right out and say it...
I was a horrible wife and mother the past two weeks. If you've been using my writings to lull yourself to sleep at night, you've probably caught on to the fact that I've been having a pretty rough time lately.
I saw the signs coming; quick to judge, zero patience, zero tolerance, feeling disconnected, even from Kate. Fortunately, having been through this type of thing before I acted quickly and started working on it.
I'm not going to lie, this house is a pretty stressful place for me. I am primary on absolutely everything. Scott does what he can where he can but at the end of the day it's me, just me. It's taxing physically, mentally and emotionally.

I'm not crying, or begging for pity. I knew what I could be getting myself into when I married Scott. I knew it would be magnified when we decided to have Kate. And still I chose this life (and I would do it again in a heartbeat).
That doesn't mean that I was really prepared for everything. I had a glimpse, call it a trial run, with Scott's hospital stay in 2008 but this one, this is the real deal. Everything has been magnified. Everything is harder. Details are harder to perform and more important.
Honestly, it's the details that have been killing me. It's real easy to get bogged down when it grinds on you 24/7. The final straw was the insurance company deciding that they are going to twist policies to suit their needs and claim all of Scott's most recent medical bills (all $1.2 million of them) as a preexisting condition. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent on the phone, researching, faxing, and digging through old paperwork to fight this. If I tried to put a total to those hours I would probably vomit immediately. I was standing on the ledge and along came Mr. Blue Cross and the ass just gave me a huge push. Jerk.

All that said, for the past few days I've been working really hard at putting things back into perspective. The insurance fight still exists, life is still stressful but I'm working hard to remember that it's all just trivial shit. Junk that is cluttering life. I REFUSE to let this junk define my life.
Having my family together is worth everything that's been thrown at me and them some. Please don't tell that to the power that be.
I'm working hard to redefine boundaries, reconnect with Kate and Scott and most importantly find myself again.
I'm planning a small mental health vacation for myself. I realize that if I'm going to be able to stay sane through this mess, which isn't ending anytime soon God willing, I better take some me time.
Thankfully I have a very understanding and loving husband. He gets that every once in a while when life hits a new low I need to run away. He knows I'm not running from him or that beautiful little girl of ours. He knows that I'm running towards myself and not away from them. He allows me this moment to re-set, take stock and redefine who I am. I'm so very grateful.

The path in front of me is a bumpy one. I was reminded of that again tonight during dressing change when I noticed that tell tale vomit inducing odor coming from Scott's leg. But this is, the path that I've chosen and I am in charge of how much I let the bumps bother me.
So, I'm working hard to not let the bumps knock me out of the wagon, or to strain my eyes to the point of blindness trying to see the thousands of bumps ahead of me. I'm working on looking at the trees along the path, smelling the flowers as they bloom and basking in the sunlight on my face. As long as my wagon is full with the people that matter the most to me I'll be alright.

Finally, Go Cubs Go!

Anonymous –   – (April 13, 2010 at 1:14 AM)  

no pity, B. Just lots of love and support...can't tell you enough.

Anonymous –   – (April 13, 2010 at 2:51 AM)  

Everyone needs a mental health day,especially when the situation can be so overwhelming.Can you get an advocate from the hospital to assist you with the bills?Julie went on the charity plan at Good Shepherd Hosp because she couldn't pay.Now she is on medicare medicaid and they pick up everything.Who cares what they call it as long as they help you.If you want more info call us and join the poor and pathetic.Love Nancy

Anonymous –   – (April 13, 2010 at 7:13 AM)  

Wow Brandoo.. Very moving. Hang in there. Your strength is amazing to me & Scott and Kate are very lucky to have someone with that base you have. Take the time for yourself and "F" Dr. Blue Cross.. Can you fax them your middle finger as payment??


Craig –   – (April 13, 2010 at 8:02 AM)  

I agree...send over the finger and then, just for kicks, send them a copy of your ass and tell them to kiss it!
If you ever need place to stay in Florida there is plenty of room and you are always welcome!

Anonymous –   – (April 13, 2010 at 8:11 AM)  

Sounds like a Brandi day is just what you need. I have a golden rule I live by when things are looking ugly and their are more bills than money (yeah imagine that right?)....... They can take everything I have right down to the pictures on my walls, as long as I have my husband and my kids I will be just fine.

I know easy to say but in all reality it is true. If I am homeless, living in a car or whatever the situation maybe.... I will survive with those 3 by my side.For they are what makes me, fight harder, think smarter and most of all over come every obstacal set in front of me...It's all for them.

Take your day, you need and deserve it. You will be leaving your 2 most precious people in the world in capable hands. Refresh your self and deal with Mr. Blue Cross tomorrow, it is after all a new day.

Take everyday for what it is...A matter how stressful or unorganized and sometimes just down right shitty, yet it is A GIFT.

And last but not least if you need company let me know....remember the other day I was standing on the roof yelling WTF?.....well we will just stand on the roof together and yell WTF?

Lots of love, hugs Sara

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