Confessions

I'm just going to come right out and say it...
I was a horrible wife and mother the past two weeks. If you've been using my writings to lull yourself to sleep at night, you've probably caught on to the fact that I've been having a pretty rough time lately.
I saw the signs coming; quick to judge, zero patience, zero tolerance, feeling disconnected, even from Kate. Fortunately, having been through this type of thing before I acted quickly and started working on it.
I'm not going to lie, this house is a pretty stressful place for me. I am primary on absolutely everything. Scott does what he can where he can but at the end of the day it's me, just me. It's taxing physically, mentally and emotionally.

I'm not crying, or begging for pity. I knew what I could be getting myself into when I married Scott. I knew it would be magnified when we decided to have Kate. And still I chose this life (and I would do it again in a heartbeat).
That doesn't mean that I was really prepared for everything. I had a glimpse, call it a trial run, with Scott's hospital stay in 2008 but this one, this is the real deal. Everything has been magnified. Everything is harder. Details are harder to perform and more important.
Honestly, it's the details that have been killing me. It's real easy to get bogged down when it grinds on you 24/7. The final straw was the insurance company deciding that they are going to twist policies to suit their needs and claim all of Scott's most recent medical bills (all $1.2 million of them) as a preexisting condition. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent on the phone, researching, faxing, and digging through old paperwork to fight this. If I tried to put a total to those hours I would probably vomit immediately. I was standing on the ledge and along came Mr. Blue Cross and the ass just gave me a huge push. Jerk.


All that said, for the past few days I've been working really hard at putting things back into perspective. The insurance fight still exists, life is still stressful but I'm working hard to remember that it's all just trivial shit. Junk that is cluttering life. I REFUSE to let this junk define my life.
Having my family together is worth everything that's been thrown at me and them some. Please don't tell that to the power that be.
I'm working hard to redefine boundaries, reconnect with Kate and Scott and most importantly find myself again.
I'm planning a small mental health vacation for myself. I realize that if I'm going to be able to stay sane through this mess, which isn't ending anytime soon God willing, I better take some me time.
Thankfully I have a very understanding and loving husband. He gets that every once in a while when life hits a new low I need to run away. He knows I'm not running from him or that beautiful little girl of ours. He knows that I'm running towards myself and not away from them. He allows me this moment to re-set, take stock and redefine who I am. I'm so very grateful.

The path in front of me is a bumpy one. I was reminded of that again tonight during dressing change when I noticed that tell tale vomit inducing odor coming from Scott's leg. But this is, the path that I've chosen and I am in charge of how much I let the bumps bother me.
So, I'm working hard to not let the bumps knock me out of the wagon, or to strain my eyes to the point of blindness trying to see the thousands of bumps ahead of me. I'm working on looking at the trees along the path, smelling the flowers as they bloom and basking in the sunlight on my face. As long as my wagon is full with the people that matter the most to me I'll be alright.


Finally, Go Cubs Go!