The 15th - a letter to Scott

God, I miss you. I've been holding it together for the last 30 days. I've been feeling whatever emotion I have at the moment but, I've challenged myself to find the silver lining everyday. I was trying to follow your example.

Today I failed. I'm sorry I failed. I just couldn't quite get it together today. I can't believe it's been a month since you left Kate and I. All day long tears sat just below the surface, waiting for the slightest thing to send them pouring down my cheeks.
*and yes I am an ugly crier regardless of what you always said.*

I cried when I picked Kate up from school today and for the first time she asked if it was ok to talk to you. I wanted to give her some space, some privacy, to say what she wanted to without knowing I was listening. I know I shouldn't have turned down the radio and listened in. I couldn't help it. She misses you so much and I'm so glad she feels comforted "talking" to you.

I tried to get Kate to go with me to get cupcakes this afternoon. I didn't want to be home during the 3-4pm time. Our daughter had a different agenda. You know the Princess dress up book you guys played with the day before you passed? You played with it while Kara took those pictures. Kate took that book and went and sat on the floor of the office, where your bed used to be, and played. She didn't talk about you at all but I know you were with her at that moment.
I sat down and wrote all of your "brothers" messages, staying connected with them like you asked, the tears once again poured down. Thank you for sending Kate to my rescue. She offered me a "spot of tea" and held my hand, reminding me that "Daddy is always with us in here." as she pointed to her heart.

Tears at the McDonalds commercial as they advertised the fruit smoothie you drank that last morning. Tears at the rain because I couldn't remember what the weather was like the day you died. I know the day after you passed it was a glorious day. I know this because I remember thinking, it was heavens way of showing me how happy they were to have you.

Tears when I sat in front of our church, staring at the front door remembering what it was like to walk out them, holding your hand, dragging you down the stairs and feeling like the luckiest girl in the world.

Kate wants to go inside the church. I told her maybe we would go on Sunday, always leaving religion open to her, just like we talked about. Thank you for allowing me to have your service at the funeral home and leaving our church as a warm spot in my heart. It will make it so much easier for me to step inside again.

Tears when I turned on the tv tonight and it was Dante's Peak. I got to hear my favorite line, you know it... "coffee, coffee, coffee." I always tripped you up with that one on our guess the random movie quote contests.

For the first time, I've felt regret. I preached so much about no regrets. Staying in the moment and living life. But now, I feel like I didn't do enough.
I know, I know, those feelings are irrational. But, I also know that you shared the same feelings about your family when they passed. It's just part of healing I guess.
In time, the huge holes of regret that I feel today will be filled. They'll be filled with the love you gave me every moment you were here, and the love you continue to give me from beyond.

You wouldn't believe all the love and support everyone has shown Kate and I. Well, you would believe it. You always believed the best in people. I'm the sceptic. Good thing all these wonderful people are doing your job of keeping me from losing faith in the human race. Everyday we get cards, messages, extra hugs and love. We get them because of all the lives you touched just by being you. I don't think I ever told you what a honor it was to be your wife. You chose to love me, despite or maybe because of, all my faults.

As always, I feel better just talking to you. Even now. You bring my weary soul peace. I miss you Baby. I promise I'll do better May 15th. I'll honor you, it's all I can do now.

Your wife

mommara  – (April 15, 2011 at 10:21 PM)  

My heart is just broken with you lady. Sending prayers. I simply can't imagine how you feel but, I know what a legacy of beauty you teach in his memory. Learning who Scott is through your grief is so sad but, man what an incredible human being. Hugs momma.

The Hill House  – (April 15, 2011 at 10:31 PM)  

Bless your heart through all of this. I can't imagine what you must be going through and dealing with, but the strength you show just by writing this for all of us to see just amazes me. Your husband had one hell of a wife.

Jay'me –   – (April 16, 2011 at 1:09 AM)  

Letting your guard down, letting those tears flow, is perhaps the strongest thing you can do for yourself. There is this so called process. Even though you had all this time to prepare knowing he was leaving us. Even wanting peace for him, You still love him and need to go thru all those denial (I can be strong), sad, angry, guilty, plea- bargaining, processes that evolve because you're human, Yes, you're super-human, and I'm proud of how you're able to connect and feel your way thru.
I love you,

Colleen  – (April 16, 2011 at 7:28 AM)  

Oh B, this breaks my heart. I am struggling with what to say. Unfortunately, I just think you need this time to reflect and remember no matter how hard that is. love to you friend!

Jen  – (April 16, 2011 at 9:57 AM)  

Hugs to you both. You really are doing an amazing job!

Unplugged  – (April 16, 2011 at 11:49 AM)  

Hugs to you and your beautiful girl! You are AMAZING!

Jen  – (April 16, 2011 at 3:42 PM)  

My heart is with you during this time. I can't imagine all that goes thru your head. I believe you are doing the best you can with the situation! All you have to do is look at your daughter's smile on her face and see that you are doing an amazing job!

Anonymous –   – (April 16, 2011 at 7:00 PM)  

You are amazing! What a beautiful love you and your husband share! It will live on forever!

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