Excuses

I could make up a long list of excuses on why I'm not going to get you all up to date.
I could use,
It's really raining, my nails are chipped, my hair is dry, it's Tuesday, I'm wearing gray. The list goes on.

Instead, I'm going to go with the truth.

8pm is the hardest time of day for me. I put Kate to bed and then I start to feel it. This emptiness. This longing. This regret.

After putting Kate to bed I would come back downstairs and get Scott settled for the night. Dressing changes, pillow fluffing, a tucking in of sorts. It was our one time to talk without Kate interrupting.

There were so many times that I wished that time away. Where I was frustrated, short tempered. Where I didn't want to talk. Where I quickly did only what had to be done.

I had grand ideas for that time. We could get caught up on the final season of our favorite show Alias that I bought us on DVD two Christmas ago. I could write down Scott's favorite childhood stories. We could video them, if he was feeling up to it. We could just sit and hold hands.

But then I let life get in the way. I was in a hurry. I had things to do. I was tired. I didn't want to talk. I couldn't stop being the nurse long enough to be the wife.

I want to give back a fraction of what I squandered. I want to give it back and get a few more minutes. Another chance to watch a movie holding my husbands hand and not check my phone a thousand times. Another chance to try again to memorize the exact color of his eyes. Another chance to hear the same bad jokes over and over again, maybe one more time and I would be able to remember them. Another chance to hear him say "I love you". He never said it without feeling.

Every night as I would leave his room, he would say it as I reached the door. Almost blurting it out. Like I was going to forget. I would stop, stand in the door way, look at he and Becky tucked away from the night and say "I love you too" as I turned out the lights. I want one more of those.
That's the one moment that I always sucked in. Inhaling it like it was the last breath of oxygen on the planet. Letting it feed my soul.
If I stand at that door now, I can almost hear it.

My mindless ramblings come down to this. My little piece of advice for the day.

Don't spend so much time wishing away the things you don't like that you lose the things you love.

I always knew my "good moments" with Scott would end to soon. But even I wasted my time. Don't waste yours. There are no guarantees on when you could find yourself without the things you thought you hated, realizing there was so much you loved underneath it.