Excuses

I could make up a long list of excuses on why I'm not going to get you all up to date.
I could use,
It's really raining, my nails are chipped, my hair is dry, it's Tuesday, I'm wearing gray. The list goes on.

Instead, I'm going to go with the truth.

8pm is the hardest time of day for me. I put Kate to bed and then I start to feel it. This emptiness. This longing. This regret.

After putting Kate to bed I would come back downstairs and get Scott settled for the night. Dressing changes, pillow fluffing, a tucking in of sorts. It was our one time to talk without Kate interrupting.

There were so many times that I wished that time away. Where I was frustrated, short tempered. Where I didn't want to talk. Where I quickly did only what had to be done.

I had grand ideas for that time. We could get caught up on the final season of our favorite show Alias that I bought us on DVD two Christmas ago. I could write down Scott's favorite childhood stories. We could video them, if he was feeling up to it. We could just sit and hold hands.

But then I let life get in the way. I was in a hurry. I had things to do. I was tired. I didn't want to talk. I couldn't stop being the nurse long enough to be the wife.

I want to give back a fraction of what I squandered. I want to give it back and get a few more minutes. Another chance to watch a movie holding my husbands hand and not check my phone a thousand times. Another chance to try again to memorize the exact color of his eyes. Another chance to hear the same bad jokes over and over again, maybe one more time and I would be able to remember them. Another chance to hear him say "I love you". He never said it without feeling.

Every night as I would leave his room, he would say it as I reached the door. Almost blurting it out. Like I was going to forget. I would stop, stand in the door way, look at he and Becky tucked away from the night and say "I love you too" as I turned out the lights. I want one more of those.
That's the one moment that I always sucked in. Inhaling it like it was the last breath of oxygen on the planet. Letting it feed my soul.
If I stand at that door now, I can almost hear it.

My mindless ramblings come down to this. My little piece of advice for the day.

Don't spend so much time wishing away the things you don't like that you lose the things you love.

I always knew my "good moments" with Scott would end to soon. But even I wasted my time. Don't waste yours. There are no guarantees on when you could find yourself without the things you thought you hated, realizing there was so much you loved underneath it.

Anonymous –   – (April 20, 2011 at 12:05 AM)  

My heart aches for you Brandi.You're too young for the lessons you have learned.Those regrets are meant for people much older than you.I hope you look to the future knowing that you did everything right and Scott knew it too.Everyday life does get in our way,along with exhaustion,pain and demands that we can't always meet.Leave the past behind knowing that you always did the best you could.No regrets.Take Kate on vacation and come back refreshed.Healing your heart doesn't happen overnight but I know you are smart and determined and a good mother.Kate helps you to continue on and Scotts presence will always be there.Your future is not what you had hoped for,but it will be a good one,a successful one and a joyful one.Love Nancy

Anonymous –   – (April 20, 2011 at 6:14 AM)  

This one breaks my heart. I feel the tears sting Ur cheeks. I think of all the times Brent wants a hug or kiss while I'm trying to cook clean etc and I sigh find it an annoyance. I read this n say I will never let it happen again. I will embrace the moment take it while I can. Yet in reality I know I will sigh n get testy because it is human. I know one day I will long for those interruptions. No matter how hard we try we will all have those wish I would of I should of moments. I just hope that no matter how many of those there are I hope I can remember all the times I laid in his arms n laughed like a school girl the butterflies when we kissed n the love that radiates from his gorgeous eyes. All my love. Sara

Jen  – (April 20, 2011 at 7:17 AM)  

You are one of the best writers I know! Every time I read one of your posts my heart just aches, I feel like I am you and in that moment. I will continue to say you are an AMAZING person and mom to Kate! She is so lucky to have you! I can't imagine how hard it is the time AFTER you put her to bed!
Know that even though we have never met my prayers are with you and always thinking about you! You are amazing!

Jay'me –   – (April 20, 2011 at 8:50 AM)  

On your journey into the sunlight it's bound to rain. The rainbows are Scott and Kate's smiles are the sun.

Anonymous –   – (April 20, 2011 at 9:35 AM)  

You really make me steop back and take a look at my life and try to enjoy it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. You are amazing.

Melissa  – (April 20, 2011 at 12:13 PM)  

thank you for posting this.. even though it must hurt for you to type those words out, to press the post button for the world to see.. it's a good lesson.. and I'm so very sorry you have to be the teacher in this.. I've gotten SO many lessons on this exact situation and it's sad how still day in and day out I allow life to get in the way when I could be managing my time better and making sure I have time for these things..

BigDan  – (April 21, 2011 at 12:57 AM)  

Waste? I think not. I have dealt with many people over my years of being a nurse. Your's has been a most incredible story of love and life. Pain is pain. You can't change what you feel. At the same time, love is love. It is what will keep you and KT strong, even with the absence of Scott in this world. Love you guys much.

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