Home Sick?

I thought being away from home would be great. I had originally planned for Kate and I to be in the Wisconsin Dells with some great friends this weekend. Kate being sick and then my cousins short return from deployment over seas, instead brought us to Iowa for a very quick trip.
A chance to say hello to my cousin and his beautiful wife. A chance to apologize to them for missing their gorgeous wedding in the Smokey Mountains this past summer. A chance to celebrate the birthdays of two beautiful little girls. A chance to make the Iowa trip and not feel like I was going to die (the last couple with Scott about did us all in). A chance to spend some time just Mom, Kate and I. A chance to feel that family love that I've always relied on.
I've gotten all of these things. In fact they're not over yet. What I wasn't expecting to get was the heartache.

All the times I thought "Scott would love that." "Did you tell that to Scott?" "It's so hot, I should get Scott an ice pack." "She's being such a good girl Scott would be so proud."
It's the lack of Liberty Valance playing in the car. The extra space we have without the gear. The silence in the room as Kate sleeps and I write this. Last time we were here Scott played Scrabble on his hand held Nintendo while I blogged and Kate slept.

The hardest part, if I'm not at home it's like my brain thinks he is. I've reached for my phone so many times today to call him and tell him something or to check in. I haven't had such a hard time "holding back" from dialing his number in weeks.

It's a good thing the moon was shinning tonight was we left my family. As Katie says "It's a smile from Daddy".

Anonymous –   – (April 10, 2011 at 10:24 PM)  

These are hard times,but I'm glad you got a little getaway.Maybe if this damn weather would co-operate we would all feel better.We've been under the weather with all this back and forth barometer change.But I am convinced spring will come.Love to all Nancy

Anonymous –   – (April 11, 2011 at 7:34 AM)  

sry we missed you all. love you and know that scott was there with you. hes every where you go.
love ya samantha

BigDan  – (April 11, 2011 at 7:55 AM)  

After my mom passed, I kept waking up in the morning to wait to hear her walker as she went to the kitchen. It took a while...

Jay'me –   – (April 11, 2011 at 10:26 AM)  

Hurts my heart knowing nothing but time allows you to walk around the huge hole instead step in it. That hole may take a life time to navigate but that's okay because it represents the beautiful tree that stood there. Time never heals, it just allows us the tools to deal with our pain.
I hate saying things that seem so cliché.
But I want to share with you that I feel you & Love you.

Nick  – (April 11, 2011 at 1:26 PM)  

Momentarily (and repeatedly) forgetting that a loved one has died is very common. Understanding of such an enormous loss is something that seeps slowly into the soul as we learn to live our lives without their physical presence. It sucks.

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