Get it together Woman!

Today is the 6th. This terrifies me. No, I don't have some creepy voodoo superstition. Well, not about that anyways but don't get me started on owls. Fucking owls.

Anyways, back to the 6th. I realized this morning as I looked at the date on my watch (yes, I still wear a watch. I LOVE my watch. It will be on my wrist until the day I die. Kate can take it off my cold lifeless corpse.). If today is the 6th, that means Kate's birthday is exactly one month away.
30 short days.
Holy crap! Hold me!
I feel a panic attack coming on. I have planned nothing. I can think of nothing to plan. All her little friends at school have had parties at all these great spots, and I've got nothing. No inspiration, no motivation, nothing.

In years past, I've planned some pretty awesome parties for her. Cupcakes with 70 people crowding into our house for her first birthday. A slightly smaller crowd (thank goodness) for sundaes for her second birthday. Her third birthday was the big backyard bash for her an Scott with a 100 people, a bounce house, live music, and some great food.

This year, I got nothing. Worse than nothing, I don't have the one thing that mattered most at all those other parties, her dad. He's not here to watch her blow out her four candles. He'll be here in spirit for sure. But, he won't be here to correct me when I exaggerate her birth story. He won't be here to sing Happy Birthday to her every time she walks in the room. He won't be here to tell her how proud he is.
He wrote her a card for her fifth birthday but he just couldn't bring himself to make one for her fourth. He just couldn't bare the thought that he wouldn't be here. He didn't want to give up. He didn't want to leave her, us.

I already have plans for Scott's birthday and that's 60 days away. I know what we'll be doing this year and every year in the future until Kate decides she doesn't want to.

Baby girl needs a party. She needs to have people shower her with love. It won't ever replace the love from her father but after seeing her with her Uncle Mark tonight and hearing her squeals of delight, I know that love is love regardless of where it comes from.
I've got to pull my head out of my ass and make it happen. She needs it. She deserves it. Hell, I need it.