Frustration

Tonight I'm feeling a strange combination of anger and gratitude.

Scott is doing "fine". I left to come home for dinner and bedtime with Kate. Tom and Ann were troopers and jumped in to come sit with Scott for a short while tonight to make me feel better. Thanks guys!

As my Grandma told me tonight "I picture Scott in this giant circle of hugs and love". It's so true. Scott has so many of his wonderful friends and family surrounding him with love. His doctors and nurses, many of whom have become family, rally by his side every time he tries to do something stupid.
Everyone that meets Scott loves him. His charm, his humor, his integrity, his patience, his witt, his grace. He's an amazing father and a girl couldn't ask for a better husband (I know these things). I have never meet a nicer human being on this earth.

Which brings me to the angry part. Why in the world is this man being tortured? Why can't he catch a break? Why do I look at a photo of a man wanted for murder that looks perfectly healthy while Scott fights day after day, hour after hour?

There is no reasonable answer to these questions. I'm not trying to rain on anyones parade. I certainly am grateful that he's still here fighting the good fight but for FUCKS sake. This man, my husband, deserves to be at home laughing with me as we talk about Kate's latest wild escapade. He doesn't deserve to be alone in the hospital.

I'm sorry this post is so bitchy. I just know that Scott isn't finished yet. I know there is more illness brewing on the horizon, I can smell it.

Alright, enough of the whine fest. Going to sleep in hopes of dreaming a beautiful dream where Scott is playing peek a boo with Kate. I assure you there is not a more beautiful sound on earth then the two of them laughing together.

Rant over.

Brandi  – (January 19, 2010 at 5:39 AM)  

Pity party - table for one please.
Sorry about that guys. Woke up this morning re-read what I wrote and thought about deleting it. Then decided if I was going to make it through this with my sanity I needed to stay honest and genuine.
So there is my honest and genuine, hanging out for the entire world to see.
Feeling better today. Sleep is such a helpful thing. Sleep and not getting a phone call in the middle of the night.
Headed to the hospital now. More details on Scott to come.

Anonymous –   – (January 19, 2010 at 6:22 AM)  

Brandi; there isn't one of us that hasn't sat on the pity pot for one reason or another and, without a doubt, will do so many more times in the future. Don't beat yourself up about it.

It would indeed be a much more perfect world if only the bad people did the suffering.

Just remember -- during those times when keeping the faith is just too hard -- your circle of love will keep it for you until you find your strength again! We've got your back!

Love & Prayers!!!

Unc & Doug

Josh  – (January 19, 2010 at 7:22 AM)  

No apologies needed, you have to get the venting out too. That's what makes it so tough, every single one of us think Scott is the nicest guy on earth and will never know why his journey has to be so tough. If we didn't love him so much it wouldn't be so hard to understand. If he didn't love you, Katie and us back he wouldn't have the fight in him either. So sending him more love, "fight", thoughts, and strength.

Don't ever give up Cheddar!

Love ya, Josh and Brogan.

Anonymous –   – (January 19, 2010 at 7:31 AM)  

i dont see anyone else's name worked into the title so that gives ya the right to type what you feel without the need for apology...hope scott has a good day today, will be thinkin of him ,and you have to express yourself without regret its a heavenly injustice thats been thrust on scott and it sucks...but bad things are what really shape who we are.

Jen –   – (January 19, 2010 at 8:30 AM)  

Brandi

I have known you since I was 5 and I started Kindergarten with Matt--we are pretty much family--there is no need to apologize for how you are feeling! And I thought of this the other day--by today's standards with cut-offs and such Matt and I would not have started Kindergarten on the same day--we were meant to meet and be together for life--good and bad :0)

I have had those same thoughts as I've watched you, Scott, and Katie deal with Scott being ill. (Here is the therapist part of me--IT IS OK TO BE ANGRY AND FEEL THAT WAY--IT IS NOT FAIR BUT MAKES YOU STRONGER)

Scott is a very strong man and he amazes me with how he takes life head on and doesn't think twice about enjoying every day!

Brandi you are amazing by how you fight for your families well being and each day you take on the emotional roller coaster of Rush :0) You joked the other day when we were there that you were "a mamma bear" and you fight for your husband and family--and I am amazed at how each and every day you take on this fight and you fight it just as hard as the day before!

You and Scott are an amazing couple and team and your love for each other has always been amazing to me :0)

Hugs and lots of Love!

LOVE

Jen :0)

Mark Stevens –   – (January 19, 2010 at 8:39 AM)  

Somehow this process involves anger. It's why we fight and don't lay down and just let things happen. You may have read my post from last night. We were probably venting at the same time. You are Scotts knight is shining armor. Those shoes are not easy to fill. So while keeping your shield up swing the effing sword. While he's physically fighting for his life, your left to help in anyway possible. You have proven to everyone just how well you stand by your man. He's more the worthy of a great fight, so Vent ~ it's normal, You have to exhale.
You might as well purge what will poison you... Think of those crazy women tennis players and weight lifters. Their just fighting for a stupid trophy.

mark Stevens –   – (January 19, 2010 at 8:43 AM)  

The post above is from Jay'me. I didn't proof read it... Sorry for the typos.
TONS OF LOVE,
Jay'me

Anonymous –   – (January 19, 2010 at 8:45 AM)  

Well i don't believe I can say anything that everyone else hasn't. There is nothing wrong in having a pitty party or venting however you want to refer to it. You are human and to be honest i am glad to see that side of you. You have held so strong for so long and if you don't let it out a little at a time it will come up and bite you on the ass. I just told a friend yesterday...I don't know how she does it, she does it all with so much graze and poise. I was told once if you ever want to see a true super hero look at a mother/wife and you will find it in everything she does for her family. Brandi, when i read the blog and see the trouble that faces you I see a true super hero.
So in closing one of my favorite sayings.....Don't let the bastards get ya down.

We all love you guys n we r here for the good updates, the troubled waters and the bitch sessions. keep fightin you 2.
Lots of hugs and good vibes for a good day
Sara

Anonymous –   – (January 19, 2010 at 10:26 AM)  

Everyone has to vent once in awhile, better to do it now and not later when it really builds up. That said, move on with happy thoughts. At least you aren't turning 40 this week. That would really be a downer. Just kidding, keep good thoughts and know we all love you.

The Nortons

Anonymous –   – (January 19, 2010 at 2:07 PM)  

Big Wet Puppy Dog Kisses for you and Scott!

Love Camo

Anonymous –   – (January 19, 2010 at 8:43 PM)  

Hugs and love going your way Brandi.

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