#451

This is the 451st post I've written. From here things look different. The first 450were about making moments. The next however many posts will be about remembering those moments, honoring them, and finding ways to make more.
For the first time in her life, Kate spent most of the night in my bed with me. Her miserable cold kept waking her up and the crying was more than I could bear. We both slept some, her far more than I. I guess my body just hasn't gotten the memo that I don't have to be ready to bolt down the stairs at any moment anymore.
For the first time in over a year, I could turn off my phone. I didn't though. I would wake up and reach for it frantically. Afraid I had missed his call. Afraid he had needed me and I hadn't gotten the message.
I think, I will find myself waking up and reaching for him frantically for the rest of my life.
Thank you all for being the messages on my phone. The slap of reality at 2am was lessened by the love, support and care from all of you.

Today, I begin to put the pieces back together. Kate and I are going to continue our "get back to normal" program. Spending the evening last night, just Kate and I in our home, having cereal for dinner on the couch, watching tv, playing games and talking was just what we both needed. Going on Daddy's now empty bed and jumping was also, just what we needed. I wanted Kate to have a normal night. Not a night of whispers, tears, visitors and grief.
She'll be up soon and we'll get clean, and head out into the world, in search of Starbucks and a Target. It's just what we do.

This afternoon, I'll meet with the funeral home. Scott and I discussed the party he wanted to honor his life, I promise it won't be the usual "thing". It can't be the "usual" thing, Scott wasn't the "usual" guy. He deserves more. He's always deserved more.

I've read each and every message, comment, email etc. that has been sent. They bring me such comfort. I'm working my way through them. Responding as my heart allows. Please know that every response I write, every word I type, is done with thought and consideration. I'm not zooming through them with blanket responses. You all mean to much to me. So bear with me as it takes a little while to get through them all.

And before everyone tells me I don't have to, I know I don't. Hell, I don't have to do much of anything today. But, I want to. I really want to. Reading each one, closing my eyes, letting the words wash over me and finding my voice in my heart, is good for me. I need to do it. I just feels right.

My girl is stirring. Time to put my feet on the floor and put one foot in front of the other.