We are not a praying family in the typical sense. We never started the tradition with Kate to say prayers before bedtime, Scott and I never really said prayers our selves. In our own ways Scott and I both would quietly mull over the days events in our minds (and sometimes together) as we were winding down for the night. Taking stock of the days events and keeping things in perspective. Reflecting on the happy moments and learning from the challenges.

The day Scott died as I snuggled Kate into bed after her story time, she told me she missed her daddy (she said that a lot today). I suggested that we talk to daddy. Her logical little mind said we couldn't. That heaven was too far away. Of course, I told her that wasn't the case. So beginning that night I cover her up with her blanket, turn off the light and I talk to Scott. I talk to him for her and for myself. I tell him about our day, tell him we miss him and love him. Last night Kate added in things she wanted to say, wanting me to do the talking but participating in the "conversation".
This morning as we walked into school she told me something that melted my heart. She said
"last night I wake up, it was dark and not time for wake ups. I not call for you Mommy. I just talk to Daddy like you do. I fink he listen cause I feel better and go to sleep."

Tonight she joined me and we both talked to Scott. She wanted him to know that she had cake with Brandon, Ethan Scott and Kristen and that she was a good girl and shared her toys. She even added in that she wasn't very good at listening to mommy today and promised to do better tomorrow.
Watching her struggle is the hardest part of this. Having to keep a handle on her attitude, correct her behavior and give her words for her feelings when I want to just sit on the floor and cry for her is the biggest struggle I face everyday. I know this will get easier. I also know that this will get harder too.

Sharon  – (March 21, 2011 at 9:21 PM)  

What a beautiful way to stay connected to Scott and to help Kate (and yourself) cope with this. Kate's words melted my heart as well.

You are a wonderful mom, Brandi. I can't even imagine how difficult this must be (and that word doesn't even seem like it could possibly convey it all), but I think that the way that you two are holding Scott so close to you will help you both so much.

I also believe your daughter will be so grateful to be able to read this blog as she is older.

I cannot say enough what beautiful souls you all are.

Jen  – (March 21, 2011 at 9:45 PM)  

This post really touched me. Brandi you are so strong and such a good mom! I know I don't really know you, but from reading your blogs and from what I hear from my good friend Scott L you are one of the strongest women I have ever known. I think that is a great thing you started with Kate at bedtime.

Again I can't imagine what you are going thru day by day, but you are doing the best you can for you and your daughter as you guys take each day one day at a time.

Jodi  – (March 21, 2011 at 10:06 PM)  

Considering how hard this part with Kate must be, Brandi, I think you are handling it as perfectly as anyone could imagine. You are a wonderful mom! You are doing an excellent job in not only raising Kate, but also in navigating her through this difficult time in her life.

Melissa  – (March 21, 2011 at 10:32 PM)  

PUDDLE... no explanation needed.

Anonymous –   – (March 22, 2011 at 6:12 AM)  

You are my hero.

Nat  – (March 22, 2011 at 6:26 AM)  

Brandi that is the sweetest thing I've heard. Kate is such a grown up little girl. I hope that talking to Scott will ease the pain just a little. Lots of hugs.

Jay'me –   – (March 22, 2011 at 6:57 AM)  

Katie or Miss Katherine? She's beautiful and the quintessential child that is more grown up than most of America. Loosing a Parent even as an adult (I've heard) makes you feel less of a child and more grown up. I know Katie will and does have a wonderful childhood happening. Other mothers should take notes. But I feel as though she's deserving of "I'm a big girl" badge.
I may slip and call her Miss Katherine from time to time.
You're both amazingly strong women !

The Hill House  – (March 22, 2011 at 8:41 AM)  

Prayers for strength for you and understanding for her.

Jen and S4 –   – (March 22, 2011 at 9:39 AM)  

Brandi--I have always relied on my dad being in heaven and my special friend to talk to since the day he died. It is the best thing to have given Kate that idea-it keeps Scott right there for her and in a way I believe he is :0) I won't get too deep and philosophical on this post! Here I am almost 27 years later and I can honestly tell you my dad is still my special friend when things get tough or I need to talk to him about issues/things/life events.

Love ya!

dkutz  – (March 22, 2011 at 11:19 AM)  

Not only do you inspire me but your little Kate inspires me too. As I have always said we are only given things in life that we can handle and you and Kate are handling this chapter in your life with amazing strength! Keeping Scott in your daily routine not only helps you but it helps Kate remember her daddy. You are blessed to have that little girl and she is blessed to have you as her mommy!

Nicole  – (March 22, 2011 at 12:46 PM)  

Her understanding amazes me and I just know that it's a direct reflection of her wonderful parents. This is a good thing you're doing for kate. Something that will stick with her the rest of her life. Just in case you are doubting it I think you're doing an amazing job. Love and hugs!

Anonymous –   – (March 22, 2011 at 6:50 PM)  

What an amazing kid! And an even more amazing mom. If it means anything to you, I'm very proud of you both. (((hugs)))


Faren  – (March 22, 2011 at 10:29 PM)  

Brandi you are such a wonderful person and mom. Having nightly talks is a great idea and it seems to have made a difference already even if only slight. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to hold your ground when you just want to hold her. Much love and hugs to you both. Not a dat goes by that I don't think about your family.

Shalini  – (March 23, 2011 at 7:24 PM)  

brandi, this is the most beautiful thing...what an amazing way for you both to stay close to scott. you are such a wonderful mom. i am in awe of you every day. shalini (kacysmom SPN)

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