Prayers

We are not a praying family in the typical sense. We never started the tradition with Kate to say prayers before bedtime, Scott and I never really said prayers our selves. In our own ways Scott and I both would quietly mull over the days events in our minds (and sometimes together) as we were winding down for the night. Taking stock of the days events and keeping things in perspective. Reflecting on the happy moments and learning from the challenges.

The day Scott died as I snuggled Kate into bed after her story time, she told me she missed her daddy (she said that a lot today). I suggested that we talk to daddy. Her logical little mind said we couldn't. That heaven was too far away. Of course, I told her that wasn't the case. So beginning that night I cover her up with her blanket, turn off the light and I talk to Scott. I talk to him for her and for myself. I tell him about our day, tell him we miss him and love him. Last night Kate added in things she wanted to say, wanting me to do the talking but participating in the "conversation".
This morning as we walked into school she told me something that melted my heart. She said
"last night I wake up, it was dark and not time for wake ups. I not call for you Mommy. I just talk to Daddy like you do. I fink he listen cause I feel better and go to sleep."

Tonight she joined me and we both talked to Scott. She wanted him to know that she had cake with Brandon, Ethan Scott and Kristen and that she was a good girl and shared her toys. She even added in that she wasn't very good at listening to mommy today and promised to do better tomorrow.
Watching her struggle is the hardest part of this. Having to keep a handle on her attitude, correct her behavior and give her words for her feelings when I want to just sit on the floor and cry for her is the biggest struggle I face everyday. I know this will get easier. I also know that this will get harder too.