St. Patty's Day

You loved St. Patrick's Day. I'm not entirely sure why. You're not Irish, we didn't go out and "live it up", it was just another day to us. But, a few years ago I started making corned beef, cabbage and potatoes. Always making sure there was Irish soda bread and rye bread, because why should you have to pick just one?.? It became our tradition.
On Monday I commented that Thursday was St. Patty's Day and promised to make you corned beef as usual. You rubbed your tummy and said "yum". But we knew. We knew you wouldn't make it. The promise was empty but it made us smile didn't it?
I went out for dinner tonight so I could have corned beef and cabbage in your honor. It was the single hardest meal I've ever eaten. Thank goodness for our daughter and our family. They gave me enough distraction that I didn't just sit at the table and sob. The restaurant didn't have Irish soda bread or rye bread, I'm hoping the grocery store has some tomorrow because I simply must have a piece of each.


It's been two days since I heard your voice. We haven't gone two days without speaking to each other since we met. Except for the times you were on the ventilator. I couldn't hear your voice then but I could hold your hand and I could look into your eyes and I could feel your love so your voice transcended the silence and spoke right to my soul.
I think about every time I got frustrated or annoyed when you would call or text me. Distracting me from whatever it was I was doing. I can't believe I wasted those moments. If I could take them all back I would. I would take it all back and I would suck in every word you ever spoke. I would hide a recorder in my pocket and have millions of tapes with your voice. The soundtrack to our life.
I've called your phone just so I can hear the voicemail message. It always seemed stupid and cliche when I saw it in the movies or heard of others that would do it but at 3am it was the only thing I wanted or needed. Not even sitting watching our daughter sleeping helped. So I went and laid in your bed and called your phone. Closing my eyes I had you for just one moment.
Don't worry I'm not doing these nutty things in front of Kate. She sees Mommy upset, we talk about you a lot, but she's not seeing the moments where I'm broken. I promised you I would be strong and I would raise her the way we always talked about. I haven't forgotten that promise and I've kept it even when during the second time out of the morning, when I wanted nothing more than to cave into her tantrum.
Thank you for holding me as I stood outside her door and listened to her scream. I felt your arms around me. I feel them around me all the time. You're so close and yet so far away.

We miss you more than words can describe. But, we're doing ok. We'll be ok.
I'm going to keep talking to you here. Katie has me convinced that there is internet in heaven. She told me today "but Mommy, you always say we can find it on the computer." Our daughter is just too smart.

Always,
B.

Sara –   – (March 17, 2011 at 9:31 PM)  

You, sweet Brandi, are amazing. Your words are perfectly chosen and express so much emotion.

You have an amazingly bright daughter as well. A true testament to your & Scott's love for her and each other. Save that voicemail forever. I still have the one and only message left from my dad and it means everything.

T&P as always.

Jen and S4 –   – (March 17, 2011 at 10:37 PM)  

Even if you do these things in front of Kate they aren't "crazy" but healthy normal grieving of a very strong, adult who lost their soulmate and the love of their life--it would be more crazy for Kate not to see your pain or know how much this is hurting you as well.

OK enough therapist mumble jumble--now as a friend :0) (Sorry sometimes work can't stay at work)

Big giant hugs! You are very strong and have been through this entire journey!

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Love ya Jen

mommara  – (March 17, 2011 at 10:50 PM)  

My heart is just aching for you. Big, long, squeezing hugs being sent your way. We are praying. I can't even fathom how much you are missing him. {{hugs}}

Carolyn  – (March 18, 2011 at 1:13 AM)  

I feel like these notes are so personal, just for Scott to see, but I still wanted you to know that I am reading and thinking about you. You are truly amazing. ((hugs))

Care from SPN

Scott  – (March 18, 2011 at 6:57 AM)  

Internet Heaven - that made me chuckle. More hugs and love to you.

Danielle  – (March 18, 2011 at 7:17 AM)  

I've been thinking about you and Kate. Every few hours I wonder how yall are doing. Your strength absolutely amazes me! Kate is so lucky to have you.

-delem from spn

Anonymous –   – (March 18, 2011 at 8:32 AM)  

I don't even know you and reading your post made me cry like a baby. I can feel how much Scott means to you and how much you love each other. You are an amazingly strong woman. I can imagine how hard it must be to get up every day and function, but I know that little girl that is half of Scott is one of the things that helps you do that. My prayers are with you and Kate.

Faren  – (March 18, 2011 at 11:22 AM)  

I can't imagine how hard it must be for you and Kate. I continue to think of you both. Hugs to you and her.

Stace –   – (March 18, 2011 at 1:54 PM)  

Brandi-

my prayers and thoughts are with you and Kate! Hugs!

-Stace from SPN

Melissa  – (March 18, 2011 at 3:07 PM)  

hey girl... hope you got your soda bread.. if not ask your mom to run to Whole Foods, I heard theirs is FAB!:) thinkin'of you & little miss curls..

Anonymous –   – (March 18, 2011 at 4:05 PM)  

Brandi, you are amazing beyond words. **hugs**

r9

rabrams  – (March 18, 2011 at 4:25 PM)  

not a few hours goes by without me thinking of you and kate. you are seriously amazing and inspiring. i've stopped waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and i'm living in the moment, thanks to you. keep being the amazing mom you are to kate - the love you and scott shared will get you both through this.

*rmurray* - the bump

Kim  – (March 18, 2011 at 5:20 PM)  

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Thinking of you

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