St. Patty's Day

You loved St. Patrick's Day. I'm not entirely sure why. You're not Irish, we didn't go out and "live it up", it was just another day to us. But, a few years ago I started making corned beef, cabbage and potatoes. Always making sure there was Irish soda bread and rye bread, because why should you have to pick just one?.? It became our tradition.
On Monday I commented that Thursday was St. Patty's Day and promised to make you corned beef as usual. You rubbed your tummy and said "yum". But we knew. We knew you wouldn't make it. The promise was empty but it made us smile didn't it?
I went out for dinner tonight so I could have corned beef and cabbage in your honor. It was the single hardest meal I've ever eaten. Thank goodness for our daughter and our family. They gave me enough distraction that I didn't just sit at the table and sob. The restaurant didn't have Irish soda bread or rye bread, I'm hoping the grocery store has some tomorrow because I simply must have a piece of each.


It's been two days since I heard your voice. We haven't gone two days without speaking to each other since we met. Except for the times you were on the ventilator. I couldn't hear your voice then but I could hold your hand and I could look into your eyes and I could feel your love so your voice transcended the silence and spoke right to my soul.
I think about every time I got frustrated or annoyed when you would call or text me. Distracting me from whatever it was I was doing. I can't believe I wasted those moments. If I could take them all back I would. I would take it all back and I would suck in every word you ever spoke. I would hide a recorder in my pocket and have millions of tapes with your voice. The soundtrack to our life.
I've called your phone just so I can hear the voicemail message. It always seemed stupid and cliche when I saw it in the movies or heard of others that would do it but at 3am it was the only thing I wanted or needed. Not even sitting watching our daughter sleeping helped. So I went and laid in your bed and called your phone. Closing my eyes I had you for just one moment.
Don't worry I'm not doing these nutty things in front of Kate. She sees Mommy upset, we talk about you a lot, but she's not seeing the moments where I'm broken. I promised you I would be strong and I would raise her the way we always talked about. I haven't forgotten that promise and I've kept it even when during the second time out of the morning, when I wanted nothing more than to cave into her tantrum.
Thank you for holding me as I stood outside her door and listened to her scream. I felt your arms around me. I feel them around me all the time. You're so close and yet so far away.

We miss you more than words can describe. But, we're doing ok. We'll be ok.
I'm going to keep talking to you here. Katie has me convinced that there is internet in heaven. She told me today "but Mommy, you always say we can find it on the computer." Our daughter is just too smart.

Always,
B.