Wondering When

My friend Kim sent me a text message last week and said that she had a dream about Scott. I told her to send him my way, he hadn't visited me. I was a little cranky that he was off visiting beautiful woman that I have never met. He must have known because he visited me last night. He was standing in a hallway. Tall and skinny, just like he used to be.

I'm wondering when I'll be able to think of him in certain spots without having it be a bad image. I'll stop when I'm upstairs and look at the bed. I try to remember what it was like to have him there. It's been 15months since Scott was upstairs. In a lot of ways, I'm grateful for this. It's given me an opportunity to get used to sleeping alone while he was still here. When I climb into bed now I don't feel that longing. I don't find myself searching for him. I don't talk to him there, expecting him to talk back.
I would however, like to look at the bed and not picture the day his splenic artery burst. I can see him sitting on the side of the bed as he fell, face first, onto the floor. I can picture him laying on the floor, passed out. I can see the paramedics surrounding him.
Why can't I picture something else?

Scott's "room" is officially the office again. All the furniture has been moved. The only thing that remains is a bag of Scott's clothes, his prized fan, some medical supplies in the closet and the pictures of Kate that we put up to welcome him home last March.
When I stand in the room I still look down and see him laying there dead. I don't picture all the playing, the movies, the snuggles. I see him with his head turned away, his eyes open and that pale gray pallor to his skin.

Standing in the kitchen looking at the pantry door, I don't see the painting I did there. I don't see the endless number of times he stood there looking for something to eat. I see his face, the only piece visible of him in the black body bag as the funeral home took his body from the house.

I'm left wondering why. Why in these three places is there still so much hurt? The rest of the house doesn't haunt me. It welcomes me. Offering me memories of better times. Happy moments spent around the kitchen table. The taste of his "Scotty salmon". Christmas mornings, Easter egg hunts, Kate's birthdays... all fill this house.
So why can't I get past these thoughts? Will I ever be able to remember Scott without these moments?
Why can't we just remember the good moments?

Jodi  – (March 29, 2011 at 9:52 PM)  

My father was sick for years and I am just now starting to remember the good times more often now. Its hard.
I hope talking to Kate about her dad will help those good memories outweigh the bad one sooner! ((hugs))

Nat  – (March 30, 2011 at 6:14 AM)  

I have no answer to your question. But with time the hurt will not be so vivid. Lots of hugs for you and Kate.

Anonymous –   – (March 30, 2011 at 10:51 AM)  

I don't have any answers either but I know it gets better and the good stuff is remembered much more easily than the bad. (((hugs)))

Karen (tilden2)

Nicole  – (March 30, 2011 at 8:22 PM)  

We all know I can't even answer the simple questions, let alone the hard ones, but I do know that you will heal. I hope the bad goes away soon and leaves you with all the good. I pray that you and Kate will feel Scott's love surrounding you everyday, and I know you do. love and hugs!

Anonymous –   – (March 31, 2011 at 10:15 AM)  

well i haven't posted on here in awhile but i think you gave your own answer when you talked about "moments" your lives were filled with a million moments good/bad and while bad usually is remembered more and death is usually a strong focus point for some when we look at the big picture death is one out of a million "moments" we can focus on...remind yourself and everyone else frequently about all the good "moments" it does help or works for me anyway....

love ya....still believe your one of the strongest women i will ever meet.

A guy with no PIE....

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