Well, well

First thing - I want to thank all of you for the out pouring of support. It warmed my heart to feel so cared for. It was not my intent to garner support for my continued frank writings. In my heart it was not ever really an option to begin editing myself. My comment yesterday was more of an apology to anyone out there that I have offended and maybe some explanation.
Again thank you - I'm me and I'm just glad that most of you like me.

Now on to other things.

I planned on coming on here to gripe about the fact that with no warning K had a new teacher for the third time in 6months.
I planned to come here and gripe about spending 5+ hours today finding a resolution for this

I planned on talking about our trip downtown tomorrow. Providing warning to all our RUSH family that we would once again be wandering the halls causing trouble.

And then I did Scott's dressing change. And now none of that matters, not even the fucking broken pain in my ass garage door.

You see friends, Scott has new tendon showing. This time it's on the top of his foot.
His leg is a complete mess. Nothing is healing, nothing looks better, everything looks like a half eaten animal that a coyote is making dinner out of.
I know I have a flair for the dramatic but for REAL, it's horrible.
Probably the worst part of all of this is that the exposed tendon is causing a great deal of pain for Scott.

I'm grateful that we're going to see Dr. Jacobs tomorrow but I know what he's going to say... "keep doing what you're doing it's fine". I'll smile and say ok. When really I'll want to scream, freak out and say something like "if it's so fucking fine than you take care of it".
I know Dr. Jacobs will be right. I know he'll take good care of it and I know there isn't anything I can do other than follow the instructions they give me.

I must confess - I feel like I'm failing. I feel like Scott's leg is this bad because I can't take good enough care of it. I can't heal it. I'm not doing something right. I'm not loving enough. I'm not being careful enough. Somehow I feel like if this leg fails then it's my fault.
I know you all would reassure me that it's not my fault. Deep in my heart I know it's not but, as the only person that cares for this fucking mess of a leg I feel responsible.

I'm not real big on failure, as most people aren't. I usually don't tackle something I don't feel I can conquer. I'm totally more of the stand on the sidelines and watch until I feel like I can perfect something type.
This leg, Scott's disease, they don't give me that luxury. I think that's why I've spent so much time lately saying things like "I want to move to a small town in Maine where nobody knows my name". Because if I run away then I'll never have to face the fact that I've failed.
Rest assured I'm not going to Maine, I will not run and hide, I will face this head on as I have the last 6 years. I will stand next to my husband and our daughter and I will fight. I will give it every last piece of me. I just need to prepare for the fall out if I'm not successful.

Can I rewind the day and go back to being pissed about the garage door and complaining about hurting my hand trying to help my dad get it fixed yesterday? That was a happy place.

For those of you that are interested the previous Snapfish link has been updated with new gross photos.

I am looking forward to seeing our RUSH family tomorrow. We've missed all of you, especially you Lorraine, you need to feel the LOVE.

Thanks to all of you, I feel the LOVE.