Well, well

First thing - I want to thank all of you for the out pouring of support. It warmed my heart to feel so cared for. It was not my intent to garner support for my continued frank writings. In my heart it was not ever really an option to begin editing myself. My comment yesterday was more of an apology to anyone out there that I have offended and maybe some explanation.
Again thank you - I'm me and I'm just glad that most of you like me.

Now on to other things.

I planned on coming on here to gripe about the fact that with no warning K had a new teacher for the third time in 6months.
I planned to come here and gripe about spending 5+ hours today finding a resolution for this

I planned on talking about our trip downtown tomorrow. Providing warning to all our RUSH family that we would once again be wandering the halls causing trouble.

And then I did Scott's dressing change. And now none of that matters, not even the fucking broken pain in my ass garage door.

You see friends, Scott has new tendon showing. This time it's on the top of his foot.
His leg is a complete mess. Nothing is healing, nothing looks better, everything looks like a half eaten animal that a coyote is making dinner out of.
I know I have a flair for the dramatic but for REAL, it's horrible.
Probably the worst part of all of this is that the exposed tendon is causing a great deal of pain for Scott.

I'm grateful that we're going to see Dr. Jacobs tomorrow but I know what he's going to say... "keep doing what you're doing it's fine". I'll smile and say ok. When really I'll want to scream, freak out and say something like "if it's so fucking fine than you take care of it".
I know Dr. Jacobs will be right. I know he'll take good care of it and I know there isn't anything I can do other than follow the instructions they give me.

I must confess - I feel like I'm failing. I feel like Scott's leg is this bad because I can't take good enough care of it. I can't heal it. I'm not doing something right. I'm not loving enough. I'm not being careful enough. Somehow I feel like if this leg fails then it's my fault.
I know you all would reassure me that it's not my fault. Deep in my heart I know it's not but, as the only person that cares for this fucking mess of a leg I feel responsible.

I'm not real big on failure, as most people aren't. I usually don't tackle something I don't feel I can conquer. I'm totally more of the stand on the sidelines and watch until I feel like I can perfect something type.
This leg, Scott's disease, they don't give me that luxury. I think that's why I've spent so much time lately saying things like "I want to move to a small town in Maine where nobody knows my name". Because if I run away then I'll never have to face the fact that I've failed.
Rest assured I'm not going to Maine, I will not run and hide, I will face this head on as I have the last 6 years. I will stand next to my husband and our daughter and I will fight. I will give it every last piece of me. I just need to prepare for the fall out if I'm not successful.

Can I rewind the day and go back to being pissed about the garage door and complaining about hurting my hand trying to help my dad get it fixed yesterday? That was a happy place.

For those of you that are interested the previous Snapfish link has been updated with new gross photos.

I am looking forward to seeing our RUSH family tomorrow. We've missed all of you, especially you Lorraine, you need to feel the LOVE.

Thanks to all of you, I feel the LOVE.

Anonymous –   – (March 23, 2010 at 3:28 AM)  

We ALL wish you were completely responsible. Scotty would be in perfect shape and this damn diseases would be history. You can't physically put this thing in it's place, you can't even give it a real piece of your mind-it's a disease, disorder, luck of the F*%#@ing draw, low down, filthy dirty shame & Who's to blame? Someone has to be strung up, held accountable, thrown under the bus and made to pay.
*** Justice NEVER comes into play here ***
Even when you're searching for someone to beat up - YOU CANNOT TURN ON YOURSELF !!! You have run only some of the gamut (of emotions) and I'm sure somehow grasping for self blame, momentarily gives you control... You can't control anyone as well as yourself right ? You think you found the bastard responsible. SHAKE THAT SHIT OFF ! All you have found was the one who will never give up and always be there enduring even this mental toucher. While your life is spinning, find your center, that strong part of you everyone is in awe of and keep holding on to-don't forsake it.

'me

Anonymous –   – (March 23, 2010 at 3:38 AM)  

OH yah - Broken spring coil ??? & do you need extra hands fixing that door or did Daddy rescue you ? DADS ROCK !!!!

BTW *** I ee I will always.... LOVE you ***
(Whitney Houston tune)

'me again

Anonymous –   – (March 23, 2010 at 7:50 AM)  

Well, at least we all know that you are comppletely normal. This would be the same feeling we would all have, even with problems like Sheryll and Dad had. It's always, why can't we do more fix it make it better. You know the only thing that helps at all, is that you , Scott and everyone else knows that there is only so much we humans can do. We love you all. Uncle Lynn

BigDan  – (March 23, 2010 at 8:47 AM)  

Hey you. The problem is not wound care, it is the vascularization of the tissue. I can't imagine that vascular will do anything else at this juncture, except to tell you what you know they will already tell you. If you want to measure the quality of your wound care, keep looking at how good the thigh wound looks. There is at least a decent blood supply to that area.
The above was my nurse side.
Below is my friend side.
Scott is so damn lucky to have you. You are doing an incredible job of keeping him together and it is easy to see that he loves you like crazy. Keep up the good work. By the way, as a professional dad, I still want to eat Katie up!!! She is an absolute cutie!
Love ya all
Dan

Jen –   – (March 23, 2010 at 9:58 AM)  

Keep your chin up! I know it feels like for every step forward you have to take 10 back. Life sucks that way!

You are the best support Scott could ever have and you are doing an amazing job caring for him. You are not failing. You are an amazing person!

And I know Scott is just as in love with you and is super amazing himself.

Love you guys!
Jen

Anonymous –   – (March 23, 2010 at 10:31 AM)  

Clearing throat, using my most motherly look and voice......
Brandi, you know you are doing your best and giving 110% and that is all anyone can ask for. If you give somethin everything you have (as you are doing) then you are a success.

K now back to cousin lol

If I were ever in need of care (god forbid) I would vote for you to provide it. Of course Brent would find me the meanest nurse available so that would cancel my vote but you get the point. n now that I have thought about it and knowing my husband as well as I do.... He would find some "HOT Momma" (who probably knew nothing)to ease his anxeity. lol
No in all serious he would vote for you too.
Love you guys, keep your chin up, and keep doing what you are doing. Sara

Anonymous –   – (March 24, 2010 at 9:33 PM)  

I would like to say you are your mother's child and you will survive all that life forces upon you and you will drag your family along, screaming and kicking the whole way so that you all will survive. You are your mother's child!! And that's a good thing!!! I would know. Kiss Kate and tell Scott we love him. Or the other way around if it sounds like more fun!! :-) Aunt Moo

Kevin  – (March 24, 2010 at 10:52 PM)  

Sorry to hear that another Oberto is trying to come out of the bag, that really sucks dirty monkey balls. Yeah, it really does. But let's all tell Scott's leg (and foot) what we know Dory the fish would say "Just keep healing, just keep healing, healing, healing la la la la"
I know this blog is truly your inner thought rants and we are all gaciouslly privy to, but you must know you are not a failure. Not one of you are a failure. You guys are fucking rock stars. That's all there is to it. Fucking rock stars. And I'm am sure the rest around you share these seniments in bucket fulls. Now let's que Neil young and keep rockin in the free world
Kevin

Kevin  – (March 24, 2010 at 10:54 PM)  

Ok my spelling in that last post is soooo wrong. sorry about that

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